Thursday, March 3, 2016

Tonight's Family Dialogue, Verbatim

Me: Kids, come here. I want to tell you something. (Repeat 3x)
Kids: What?
Me: Do you even know how good you have it? Do you have any idea what you get away with around here? Geoff, back me up here: Don't these kids have it so easy? Aren't we so not strict with them?
Geoff: Um, they're rollerblading around our living room during dinner.
Me: Paige, don't donkey kick your brother!
Geoff: We've lost all control.
Me: I'm really sorry about those roller sneakers.
Geoff: (looking around despondently as chaos unfolds around us): This house is so dirty it needs an exorcism.
Paige: What did you say?
Geoff: Nothing, Paige.
Me: God, these kids are more cracked out on adult muttering than they are sugar and screens.

Later, at bath time ...

Isaac: Mom, do you know the special trick to get dad to do something?
Me: What?
Isaac: Ask him a thousand times. (Sees me type on phone)
Me: That's a sweet suggestion honey. But that doesn't work for me.
Isaac: Are you blogging?
Me: Are you putting two plastic bath rings around your penis? Sheesh!

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