Saturday, March 12, 2016

Being a Giraffe Pretty Much Blows

It only took me five minutes of a Netflix nature documentary called "Wildest Africa" to reach this conclusion, and I know if giraffes could talk, they would surely agree.

For starters, just look at the undignified way you have to drink water when you're a giraffe. You look awkward AF, and are probably the laughingstock of every other creature on the savannah. More importantly though, it's from this extremely necessary and vulnerable position that you are most likely to be pounced upon by a lioness on the hunt.

Not cool!

Then there's your food, which while high up in a tree and out of reach of other animals, is also covered in thorns and stinging ants! Now, you've got a "prehensile tongue" (totes a benefit in other situations I'm sure--bowm-chicka-bow wow) and saliva the texture and consistency of maple syrup to help you deal with these obstacles, but how lame is it for every meal you eat to come with a side of PAIN?

And let's not forget the mating, which is every species' raison d'ĂȘtre. In the case of the giraffe, if you're a female in heat, you can count on being chased around the grasslands until you finally succumb to what I can only imagine is a brief and awkward coupling. If you're a male, your sex life isn't much better, because you have to fight off competing mates by banging your bony ass skull into your rival's neck until he gets the hell up outta dodge!

Add to all this that your likeness is used in baby nurseries and children's chew toys everywhere, and we can all ultimately conclude that being a giraffe pretty much blows.

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