Monday, March 28, 2016

Seriously, My Kids' Homework Can Go Fuck Itself

I'm completely obsessed (in a good way) with all the latest research on homework: It's a waste of time; it's bad for kids' sense of joy and playfulness; helping your kids with homework is pointless; you should let them do it themselves, etc. 

I'm not opposed to my kids doing homework per se, but I am opposed to doing homework myself when I am pushing 40 and haven't been in school for over a decade. Thus, I have one word for the anti-help-your-kids-with-homework trend: 

YAAAASSSSS!!!! Here are five obvious reasons why:

1. Homework is fucking boring: There's a reason why you have to fight with your kids to do their homework. It's boring AF! Truly, homework is the equivalent of eating microwaved spinach for two hours a night every night. If your kids have to do homework, there is no reason for you, the parent, to suffer along with them. Two wrongs don't make a right, people.

2. I did my time: Closely related to #1, I feel I shouldn't be punished for engaging in human reproduction by having to repeat every step of my scholastic life. I did the crime by being born, and I did my time by doing homework for 20 years. Now it's their turn. So every time I hear "IT'S NOT FAAAAAIR," I say in an evil voice, "Oh but it is my dear. Oh but it is."

3. I don't understand second grade math: My daughter is in second grade and I literally do not understand her common core math curriculum, so I assure you she is way better off without my help than she is with it. It's like, Peter has six eggs in a basket. He takes away three green ones, and puts in two yellow ones. How many blue eggs did Anne start with? You know what Anne, my answer is going to be the same every time: You had the exact same number of eggs as I have fucks about how many eggs you had: ZERO!

4. Homework is a pain in the ass: There are lots of other things everyone would love to do besides homework: coloring, playing with dolls, writing jokes about how--surprise surprise--an idiot white frat bro pleaded guilty to tying a noose around a statue of the first black student at Ole Miss and while leaving court, looks like he just got done attending an open casting call to play Lenny in Of Mice and Men, vying for the part against Josh Duhamel with a bowl cut and 40 extra pounds (Fig 2). UNFORTUNATELY, if you're a child, you don't get to do those things when homework is on deck. And if you're an adult, you do. That's why I make myself a deconstructed peanut butter cookie (Fig. 1) and shove it gleefully into my face while my daughter cries and whines over her homework at the kitchen table.

5. Homework prepares kids for the mind-numbing realities of life: I have to break with the research here and say that homework still serves a valuable purpose. And that purpose is to prepare kids for the fact that adult life is more or less one giant pile of paperwork and ministerial obligations punctuated by the occasional orgasm, run on a treadmill, vodka tonic, and accidental barefoot step upon Legos, not necessarily in that order. In this way, homework remains highly beneficial to children's development of life skills.

As far as my personal involvement is concerned, however, my kids' homework can seriously go fuck itself.

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

1 comment:

  1. i see the first clear and normal view on homework especially at children's homework.
    It really has to be canceled totally due to the fact that teachers dont wish to teach but wish only to check only how you do your homework. That's the result: tons of paper work, zero knowledge.


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