Monday, March 28, 2016

If Taylor Swift Gave a Presentation on Alaska's Budget Woes to the Legislature

Through the chair, members of the committee: For the record, my name is Taylor Swift, and I'm here on behalf of all cross-over bubblegum country alt-rock pop music to deliver a statement about Alaska's dire fiscal situation.

Suffice it to say, now we have problems, and I don't think we can solve 'em. We've made some really deep cuts, and now we have bad blood (with the public). We can't cut our way to prosperity, because you see, Band Aids don't fix bullet holes, and it doesn't help to say sorry just for show, since if you live like that, you live with ghosts. 

Rest assured: Nothing lasts forever, and I fear this is gonna take us down. (Senator: may I just take a moment to say, you're so tall, and handsome as hell? You're so bad but you do it so well!). Anyway, we need to look to our future, and think about what's all in the past--these kinds of wounds, they last and they last . . .

Not in our wildest dreams will we be able to fully recover from this recession, but there's always the cruise ships. They keep crusin', because they can't stop, won't stop moving; it's like they've got this music in their minds saying "it's gonna be alright." Yes, the players are gonna play, the haters are gonna hate, and the fakers are gonna fake. But Alaska is just gonna shake it off. See, we're dancing on our own, we make the moves up as we go, and that's what they don't know.  

That's what they don't know.

I knew BP was trouble when it walked in. Shame on us: They flew us to places we've never been, and now their oil is lying in the cold, hard ground. The oil companies will never see us cry, and we don't need to apologize--they're just gonna pretend they don't know that they're the reason why we're drowning. We're drowning. We're drowning-ning-ning-ning. 

It's time to ask ourselves: Are we out of the woods? Are we out of the woods? Are we out of the woods? Are we in the clear? Are we in the clear? Are we in the clear? Are we in the clear yet? 


Let me just conclude by saying: When we go crashing down, we come back every time. Because Alaska never goes out of style.

Thank you.

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