Thursday, March 10, 2016

A Piping Hot Slice of SHADE to the Assholes Who Said My Kids Eat Too Much Pizza

Granted, they didn't just say that about my kids. The aforementioned assholes pediatric researchers told everyone in America that the country's kids are eating too much damn pizza. This was about a year ago, but it's been sticking in my craw like a little shard of stray pepperoni skin ever since, for two main reasons. 

One, the study reaches an obvious conclusion that shouldn't take a panel of three scientists to figure out: Namely that pizza is highly caloric, full of sodium, and it makes you fat; and if you're going to eat it at all, you should eat smaller pieces with vegetables on top instead of sausage. Thanks, Einsteins.

Two, these finger-wagging, quinoa-eating, goody two-shoes pizza wet blankets have clearly never met any of the American kids or parents who were the subject of their study. If they think their recommendations for reduced pizza consumption are going anywhere, they should do a follow-up study that controls for the following factors:

1. Pizza is fucking delicious: When was the last time you sunk your teeth into a chewy, gooey, hot piece of pizza? Remember how it felt? The dopamine receptors in your brain couldn't have gone off any harder if the crust was made with crushed-up ecstasy tabs instead of flour, and you almost blew a load in your pants. So you can't blame kids for liking pizza because guess what? It's fucking delicious.

2. Pizza is the ultimate party food: You know what's not fun at a party? Spinach. No one opens up the front door to a guy holding a giant box of salad and screams "YAY! SPINACH!" No. They scream, "YAY, PIZZA!" That's because pizza is synonymous with YAY. And in fact, you kind of actually can't have fun without pizza. 

3. Kids scrape everything that looks like a vegetable off their pizza: I've tried that stupid trick of getting my kids to eat vegetables by putting them on top of pizza. Guess what happens? They scrape them off with their bare hands directly onto the kitchen table, and from there I take those sad-sack olive and pepper slices in a little folded up paper napkin and walk them straight to the garbage disposal en route to the sewer.

4. Some kids will literally go on a hunger strike for days unless pizza: My daughter willingly eats a wide variety of healthy foods, but I could put lentils and squash in front of my son for a week and he would starve in his chair and amass cobwebs on his skeleton before he would eat that shit. He has zero percent body fat and you can bet a gross of garlic knots I'm going to let him eat three slices of fucking meatball pizza in one sitting rather than let him starve to death.

5. Pizza is the #1 currency for parental bribery and a reward for everything: Nothing says healthy rewards and natural consequences like using unhealthy food--especially pizza--as currency. Didn't do your homework? Sorry! No pizza. Did your homework and listened to me for once in your fucking life? BAM. Pizza.

6. Pizza is the answer to laziness: Guess what's easier, often cheaper, and way less messy and annoying than cooking? Ordering pizza! That's right. 

Go fuck yourselves!

1 comment:

  1. OHM. I believe that the sub-title of your blog understates its value. I recommend adding 'wisdom' to your list of promises.


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