Tuesday, March 29, 2016

I Refuse to Believe That Ted Cruz Had Extramarital Affairs With Five Different Women

I don't believe the tabloid reports, first circulated in the National Enquirer, that Ted Cruz had extramarital affairs with five different women. Not because I think he's an upstanding, morally sound citizen who would never do anything so hypocritically contrary to his Christian values.

No, it's not that at all.

See, regardless of Ted Cruz's politics or values--no matter what they are or aren't--I find it literally impossible to believe that Ted Cruz found five separate women willing to sleep with him.

I am a woman. Thus, I feel distinctly and uniquely qualified to state that there is an extremely long list of both people and objects that I--and likely the entire female race--would sleep with before willingly submitting to intercourse with Ted Cruz. So 
I feel comfortable speaking on behalf of all women everywhere when I say that these people and objects include but are not limited to:

A Zucchini

A Recorder

John Lovitz

An actual boy Cabbage Patch doll (as opposed to his real life Texas-Senator lookalike)

Any of These Guys from Duck Dynasty

Barbara Bush

The Crypt Keeper

Just the thought of rolling over and having post-coital pillow talk with the individual pictured below makes my lady parts wither and atrophy into subatomic particles of cosmic dust. So I'm not surprised that the women implicated in these affairs are denying them all over the place.

When you're accused of having an affair with the biggest douche to burst into the public consciousness in a century, reviled up and down the aisle by more or less anyone with with a pulse, it's no wonder you're saying it ain't so.

So good news for Cruz: As between the tabloids and the women, I believe the women.

Ted Cruz, official portrait, 113th Congress.jpg

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