Thursday, March 24, 2016

I Feel Like There is Escalating Sexual Tension Between Donald Trump and Ted Cruz (UPDATED)

Just hear me out. Have you been paying attention to their wife-feud this week? 

It all started when Fascist Cantaloupe tweeted that Boy Cabbage Patch Doll should "be careful" or he would "spill the beans" on Ted's wife, Heidi, in retaliation for a pro-Ted Super PAC's tweet of Melania Trump in GQ or some such nonsense. 

Ted responded that "if you try to attack Heidi, you're more of a coward than I thought." Not to be outdone in classy maturity, Donald retorted by tweeting a pic of Heidi Cruz looking like the dog's dinner alongside a glamour shot of Melania with the caption, "no need to 'spill the beans' the images are worth a thousand words."

At first, you would think this is just another "my-wife-is-hotter-than-your-wife" fight, so typical of infants, 8th gradersfrat boys, accomplished grown men seeking to occupy the highest office in the land and possibly the world.

But I think there's something more going on here. I think this is a sign of escalating sexual tension between the two presidential candidates.

According to the BBC, during an interview last fall, Donald said of his relationship to Ted, "well, it is a little bit of a romance . . . I like him. He likes me." The above-linked article quotes Politico as reporting that "the two men have had private meetings for several years," and that "the seeds of that relationship have flowered into an alliance that has left political pundits and prognosticators guessing as to the motivation of the actors and who, in the end, will benefit the most." And the Politico article in turn notes that the candidates' have a "mutual admiration" and "a relationship with more to it than meets the eye." Trump also said that he was too confident to "worr[y] about giving someone else exposure." And one reporter quoted by Politico observed Cruz being "very, very nice to Donald Trump."

I bet.

Mutual admiration? Mysterious motives? Romance? Private meetings? Flowering seeds? More than meets the eye? Exposure? Not just very nice, but very VERY nice? And now they're talking about "spilling the beans" on each other's wives??? What "beans?"

BOWM CHICKA BOW WOW!! And just look at these photos, the first of which is LITERALLY captioned "Will Trump's appeal rub off on Cruz?" 

Bottom line: the sexual chemistry between Donald Trump and Ted Cruz is palpable. Get a room, you two!

The whole world would be way better off if these guys would hole up at one of Trump's hotels and just bang and get it over with already. Then, presumably, they'd be happy and contented and the rest of us wouldn't have to put up with either one of them anymore.

UPDATE: Today, Ted Cruz was quoted as saying: "Donald Trump may be a rat, but I have no desire to copulate with him.”

A likely story.

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz embrace on a Washington, DC, stage.

Ted Cruz and Donald Trump shake hands in Washington, DC.

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