Thursday, April 30, 2015

10 Signs Your Man is Cheating on You

Yesterday's post about how to drive your man crazy in bed was met with much acclaim, so it's time for a sequel! In addition to publishing articles about how to drive your guy insane in the sack, women's magazines LOVE to give advice like thisabout how to tell if your man is cheating on you. 

I don't need to tell you that O.H.M. knows better than all those bitch ass tricks. Therefore, O.H.M. now presents:

10 Signs Your Man is Cheating On You

1. You come home to find his penis in another woman's vagina (or a man's anus): There's no surer sign that your man is cheating on you than coming home to find his penis inside a woman's vagina that is not yours, or, alternatively, inside a man's anus. This latter discovery is also a pretty good sign that your man is gay (or at least bi), but that's the subject of a subsequent post.

2. You hire a private investigator who takes pictures of your man's penis in another woman's vagina (or in a man's anus): A picture is worth a thousand words, and when you hire a P.I., it's also worth a thousand dollars. Nothing says "your man is cheating" like actual, unaltered photographs of him with his penis inside another human being's bodily orifices.

3. You notice a sudden shift in his physical habits: Your man used to be a couch potato, but suddenly he's going to the gym every day and waxing his nutsack. When you confront him about his new routine, he says "Marie likes me better this way," and you don't even know anyone named Marie.

4. There is suspicious activity on his cell phone: Affairs are high-tech these days. You've always secretly kept tabs on your man's tech habits, and now you see he's changed his 4-digit cell phone pass code to "F-U-C-K." When you unlock it, you discover hundreds of naked pictures of a woman you don't recognize and a slew of sexy text messages from some random woman named "Caroline."

5. There are mysterious charges on his credit card bill: You open your Visa bill one day after work, and see "Lovers' Package for Two" charged to Sandals Resort in Bermuda. Except you've never been to Bermuda, and on the dates in question your man was at a three-day work seminar in Detroit.

6. Inexplicable items tumble out of his suitcase: Your man comes back from a business trip, and you try to be nice and unpack his suitcase only to discover a Victoria Secret's nightie, a half-used box of condoms, and diamond earrings in one of the pockets. You're pretty sure these items aren't yours because you have an IUD, you wear Hanes Her Way hip-huggers, and the nicest piece of jewelry you own is a pair of cat earrings from Claire's.

7. His mood appears distant: You try to engage him in conversation, but your man puts his head in his hands and mutters, "God, Samantha would never do this shit to me." You have no idea who "Samantha" is.

8. He talks in his sleep: Lately, your man's been waking up at night shouting at the top of his lungs, "Fuck me harder Jen, fuck me harder, oh yeah, do it to me! You know I like the rough stuff!" when the only Jen you know is his super hot co-worker that he has been spending a suspicious amount of after-hours time with lately working on some sort of "project."

9. Change in social media status: You check out his Facebook profile and notice that he's changed his relationship status from "married" or "in a relationship" to "it's complicated." Simultaneously, he sends out a tweet in his Twitter feed that says "Best sex of my life last night, thanks Anne!," when your name isn't Anne and he was supposed to be playing poker with the guys last night. Also, he posts a picture on Instagram of him licking someone's ear and that person is in a string bikini and tagged as "Anne."

10. He comes home with lipstick prints all over his collar and forehead: This sign of cheating is as old as dirt. Your man comes home from work with bright red lipstick prints all over his forehead and white button-down collar, and you don't recall kissing his head or putting on lipstick in years. He also has a giant hickey on the left side of his neck and smells like a combo of bourbon, Chanel No. 5, and pussy. Taken together, all of this could mean your man is cheating on you.

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