Wednesday, April 29, 2015

10 Ways to Drive Your Man CRAZY in Bed!

Women's magazines are forever publishing articles like this, purporting to give women advice on ten zillion ways to drive the men in their lives wild, crazy, nuts, bonkers, zany, batshit, and all-around insane in bed.

Well, newsflash! O.H.M. knows better than Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Glamour, and Marie Claire COMBINED. Accordingly, I now present:

10 Ways to Drive Your Man CRAZY in Bed!, by O.H.M.

1. Ignore his penis: Nothing makes a guy CRAZIER than ignoring his penis. Pretend his penis isn't even there by giving it zero attention at all times. That REALLY drives men INSANE!

2. Turn up the thermostat to 75: A really, really hot bedroom makes every man go BONKERS. They go positively NUTS with sweat and discomfort. Turn the temperature up to 75, close every window in the room, and watch your man go BERSERK.

3. Insist on cuddling: If you want to drive your man WILD, simply insist on cuddling for a really, really long time before, during, and after sex. Combine this with item #2 above, (thermostat at 75) and you'll be sure to make him GONZO.

4. Engage in pillow talk about all the women at work who have wronged you: Just as he's getting ready to doze off, launch into a long diatribe about the latest female colleague at work who has unjustly stabbed you in the back during that morning's status meeting. Make sure to take umbrage when he falls asleep mid-tirade. That will drive him MENTAL!

5. Ask him to investigate a mysterious sound: Wake him up in the middle of the night by poking his shoulder hard with your forefinger and asking him to investigate a mysterious sound you are POSITIVE you heard either inside or just outside your home. Men become UNGLUED when awoken from a deep sleep with that request!

6. Straddle his chest and pluck every single gray hair you can find out of his head and eyebrows with a tweezer: As you're getting ready to make love to your man, put on the brakes while you squint and examine all of his gray hairs that require emergency tweezing. Men go PSYCHO when you pluck their gray hairs out one by one!

7. Join him in his morning shower. Then turn the water all the way to freezing cold: If you want to try something extra frisky, jump into the shower with him in the morning, then turn the water all the way to freezing cold and jump out as quickly as you got in. Men just FLIP THE FUCK OUT at this sassy little trick!

8. Leave a playful little note on his pillow that says, "Did you fix the garbage disposal yet?": Nothing gets a guy UNHINGED like being reminded of all the things around the house that need fixing, especially when those reminders come from you. So send him a flirty note or pepper him with text messages in the middle of his workday to let him know you're thinking about your broken dishwasher, leaky roof, or vehicle that appears to need more coolant.

9. Poke him repeatedly to make him stop snoring: Snoring drives you crazy, and being woken up because of snoring drives him PSYCHO! It's a match made in crazy-making heaven! Combine these two crazy-making things by poking him repeatedly and waking him up every ten minutes to make him switch positions and stop snoring.

10. Give him a mouthful of hair: Especially when combined with the 75 degree thermostat (#2) and the cuddling (#3), nothing makes a man go APE-SHIT like a mouthful of hair! Be it hair from your head or *blush* hair "down there," a huge, disgusting mouthful of thick, lustrous hair is something that turns every guy into a raving LUNATIC.

BONUS TRICK: Be spontaneous! Spontaneously insist on analyzing and hashing-out your relationship ad nauseum as soon as you have him trapped under the covers. Make sure you address every last one of your insecurities and issues and discuss "where this is going" and "how we are doing" in excruciating detail. Hit all of those buttons, and your man is SURE to go ABSOLUTELY BALLISTIC!

So listen up vixens, and try these tips to spice up your love life today!

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