Sunday, April 19, 2015

There's a Movie Called "Hansel and Gretel Get Baked" and It's Fucking Awesome

Ok, so I only watched 20 minutes of it, because it was so bad that's all I could take. Still, as soon as I stumbled upon the title, I knew that Netflix had delivered unto me God's bounty of shitty stoner flicks. Not since "Leprauchaun in the Hood" and "Dude, Where's My Car?" has there been a better piece of shit stoner movie.

Those familiar with the children's fairytale will recognize the plot: a mysterious old lady grows weed in a creepy house in Pasadena, but it turns out her killer strain of chronic bud (known to the Chicano street gangs as "Black Forest") has a special secret ingredient: the blood of teenage stoners! Two Germanic siblings leave a trail of Skittles to find their way to the witch's secret lair, and avenge the deaths of those who came before them.

Or something like that.

The crown jewels of this no-name, straight-from-the-soft-core-Cinemax-porn casting couch cast are Cary Elwes (from "The Princess Bride") in drag, and Lara Flynn Boyle's ten-times-plastic-surgeried-face in a dual role as the witch! "You can bake a whole army of gingerbread men to fight your munchies," says Hansel to Gretel, as Gretel's boyfriend bolts for the witch's house to score more herb.

But alas, the boyfriend never returns, because he gets tied down on a concrete slab in the witch's basement, where she turns him into ground chuck meat to help fertilize her diabolical teenage stoner-blood-infused wacky tabacky!

Two dickhead beat cops are less than impressed with Hansel and Gretel's plight. With cavalier disregard for the imperiled population of local stoners and petty drug dealers, they stop by a doughnut shop (of all places!) before descending on the witch's crib to investigate. Well, the 5-0 should've taken this matter seriously, because as soon as they arrive, the witch ...

And that's where I had to turn it off, because at that point I had enough material to share with my blog readers, and not enough patience for the 70 minutes of this total POS that still remained to unfold. I also had to wonder what happened to Cary Elwes and Lara Flynn Boyle such that their respective agents presented them with the script to this movie and they were like, sure, it's a paycheck, where do I sign?

Don't let any of that discourage you, though. "Hansel and Gretel Get Baked" is fucking awesome, and you need to watch the first 20 minutes of it as soon as humanly possible.

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