Wednesday, April 22, 2015

The Entitled First World Parent's Bill of Rights

First Amendment: A prestigious and expensive preschool shall make no law respecting whooping cough, or prohibiting the free contraction thereof; or abridging the abundance of organic, hypo-allergenic foods for kids without any actual allergies, or of the right of the children un-peaceably to assemble on a well-padded and carefully supervised playground with a 1:2 adult-to-child ratio, and to petition the Board for a redress of grievances regarding deficiencies in the language immersion and/or fine arts curricula.

Second Amendment: A well-financed birthday party, being necessary to the security of the child's future admission to Harvard, the right of such parties to feature clowns, musicians, and a large, colorful bouncy house, shall not be infringed.

Third Amendment: No full or part-time nanny shall, in time of solid applicant pool be quartered in any house, without sufficient background checks conducted by the Owner, nor in time of fewer applicants, but in a manner to be prescribed by at least three references.

Fourth Amendment: The right of the children to be secure in their toys, books, iPad, and "good choices" against unreasonable sharing and disruption shall not be violated, and no latte shall issue, but upon proper steaming, prepared by a competent barista, and particularly featuring a nice head of extra foam, with the temperature hot but not scalding.

Fifth Amendment: No parent shall be held to answer for their child, or otherwise be subject to a suggestion that their child did anything wrong, particularly in sports, unless on a presentment or indictment of a cease and desist letter from an attorney, except in cases arising in a desirable school district, or perhaps while on vacation in the Bahamas or Nantucket; nor shall any child be subject to the same outfit twice in one week; nor shall be compelled to apologize, nor be deprived of private tutoring, gluten-free cupcakes, or a trophy or ribbon, without due process of law; nor shall ballet lessons overlap with Suzuki violin, except every other Wednesday, as necessary.

Sixth Amendment: In all brunches, the adults shall enjoy the right to a speedy seating at an attractive table near a window, and a cheerful, patient server in the restaurant most favorably reviewed in Zagat’s and most tolerant of misbehaving children, and to be informed of the specials of the day, which shall include pork belly something, and a signature Bloody Mary; to be confronted with an accurate bill; to have compulsory process for obtaining reservations three weeks in advance, and to have only cage-free, farm-to-table eggs for their Eggs Benedict.

Seventh Amendment: In pregnancy, where birth is preceded by a complex and involved birth plan, the right of the parent to name their child after a fruit, vegetable, mineral, day of the week, month, or season shall be preserved; and no name chosen by another person in the same general circle of friends shall be otherwise given to any child, than according to the unspoken rules of etiquette governing such matters.

Eighth Amendment: Excessive waiting anywhere--for anything--shall not be tolerated, nor excessive resistance made by the public to any request, nor cruel and unusual deprivation of enriching summer camp programs.

Ninth Amendment: The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by entitled parents and their children.

Tenth Amendment: The powers not delegated to the Entitled First World Parent by him or herself, nor prohibited by law, are reserved to the child respectively, or to his or her designee.

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