Wednesday, April 1, 2015

The O.H.M. Seder Plate of Dysfunction and Narcissism

The six traditional items on the O.H.M. Seder Plate are as follows:

Crushed-Up Prozac (20 mg) & Vicodin (10 mg) (instead of bitter herbs): Symbolizes the bitterness and harshness of anxiety, depression, insomnia, and severe menstrual cramping (instead of the bitterness and harshness of slavery that the Israelites endured in Egypt).

Nutella Hazelnut-Chocolate Spread (instead of charoset): Symbolizes the mortar used to paste over the guilt and shame induced by eating even more Nutella straight from the jar with a serving spoon (instead of the mortar used by the Israelites to build the storehouses and pyramids of Egypt).

Kale (instead of karpas): Dipped into Gray Goose vodka (instead of salt water). Symbolizes the dinner (kale salad and a vodka gimlet on the rocks) that I like to eat while crying and trying to shave a pound or two off my ass in any given week (instead of the bitter tears symbolizing the pain felt by the Israelites while living as slaves in Egypt).

Buffalo Wing (instead of shank bone): Symbolizes the healthy gastrointestinal system that I’m willing to sacrifice for the piquant deliciousness that is the flavor combo of Frank’s Red Hot Sauce (TM), grease, and blue cheese dressing (instead of the sacrificial lamb).

Microwaved Scrambled Egg (instead of hard-boiled egg): Symbolizes the only somewhat healthy breakfast my kids know how to make all by themselves when Geoff and I are too lazy to get out of bed and feed them breakfast on weekend mornings (instead of symbolizing mourning over the destruction of the Israelites' temple).

Juanita’s Brand Tortilla Chips (instead of matzoh): Symbolizes the distaste I have for other brands of tortilla chips, and for matzoh, and my prompt exodus from the supermarket as soon as I have a two-pound bag of delicious, greasy, gluten-free Juanita's chip-crack in hand (instead of symbolizing the Israelites' prompt exodus from Egypt in which there was no time to let bread rise). 

Instead of the Haggadah (the Jewish text that sets forth the order of the Passover Seder), we shall read the entire script of Frozen. The four questions, asked by the youngest girl-child present, will be:

1. Why is Elsa’s waist so improbably small?
2. Why can’t I get Let It Go out of my head?
3. What’s the point of Olaf (besides Disney's brazen bid to make Frozen appeal to boys)?
4. Why trolls?

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