Tuesday, April 7, 2015

I Must Select the Perfect Filter for This Selfie or Risk Eternal Shame and Damnation

There are so many choices of filter, but one thing is clear: I must select the perfect filter for this selfie, or risk eternal shame and damnation. 

Choosing “none” is simply not an option, although as I’ve said before, it would be nice to be described as looking good in photos tagged #nofilter.

As a discerning curator of the selfie (which per the omniscient Wikipedia is "
a self-portrait photograph usually flattering and made to appear casual"), I recognize that I am both too old and too vain for the #nofilter selfie. The selfie is the modern-day height of narcissism, and narcissism is at the very core and essence of my being. My selfie and me, like to climb up a tree, my selfie and me, we're the best friends there could be...

Shit. I'm sorry. I somehow just wandered into a recitation of the jingle for the 1980's "My Buddy" doll for boys ...

Anyway, back to the important matter at hand.

Please understand that not knowing how to properly utilize filters is like selfie-suicide. The term “selfie-suicide,” (which I think I just coined) is arguably redundant, but you get my drift. However, according to Wikipedia's entry on the selfie, "in April 2014, a man diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder recounted spending ten hours a day attempting to take the 'right' selfie, attempting suicide after failing to produce what he perceived to be the perfect selfie."

So I guess I’m not the first person to coin the concept of selfie-suicide after all--or dare I say--to contemplate selfie-suicide. And ten hours? That's amateur, especially when faced with the critical question that prompted this whole discussion, and that is:  Which filter shall I choose? 

Again, I must select the perfect filter for this selfie or risk eternal shame and damnation, and there are so many options.

Mono? Tonal? Noir? Fade? Chrome? Process? Transfer? Instant? Slumber? Crema? Ludwig? Aden? Perpetua? Amaro? Rise? Hudson? Valencia? X-Pro II? Sierra? Willow? Lo-Fi? Earlybird? Brannon? Inkwell? Hefe? Nashville?

I keep toggling back and forth between each of these filters, but each makes me look more washed-out, discolored, fat, scary, and wrinkly than the next. I must choose the perfect filter for this selfie! That which makes it look as though I am NOT trying to choose the perfect filter for this selfie. That which makes me look young, but not too young. That which makes the selfie look effortless, yet deliberate. That which contains no photo-bombs or obvious blemishes. That which fishes for compliments while appearing not to have bait in the water. That which does not, like Vladimir Putin, make it completely and totally obvious that I'm in the midst of sharting in my pants.

Ah, Process. That’s the one. Process doesn’t score high points for the “not obvious use of filter” category, but it’s the best I, me, and mine can do given the lighting here. Ideally, this selfie would be taken against a backdrop of beaches, mountains, or other envy-inducing location that I could use as a departure point to work in a moment of humble-bragging (because humble-bragging WITH selfie is like the grand slam of the selfie).

But at the end of the day, the filter is the bread and butter of the selfie-taker, which is why I must select the perfect filter for this selfie or risk eternal shame and damnation.

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