Thursday, April 23, 2015

8 Emotional Support Service Animals I Would Like to Register For

1. Service Monkey: To support my generalized rage at the world around me and curtail my impulse to pick up anything in arm's reach for use as a weapon, up to and including my own feces.

2. Service Chinchilla: To support my self-consciousness about being extremely hairy, and encourage me to eat lettuce more often than bacon.

3. Service Leopard Gecko: To support my skittishness, sensitivity to wild temperature swings, and perpetual desire to save $15 or more on my car insurance.

4. Service Pig: To support that feeling I get at 10:00 p.m. every night when I keep opening up my pantry over and over again expecting something new to be inside, as though it were the wardrobe in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, and to support the secondary feeling that I will eat anything I find there, even dried lentils, children's chewable vitamins, and brown sugar stuck to a spoon full of all natural peanut butter from Costco.

5. Service Peacock: To support the sense of pride I feel after spending 8 or more consecutive hours alone with my children without intentionally or accidentally killing either one of them and/or myself.

6. Service Giraffe: To support my disappointment at being 5"2 when I try to delude myself and everyone else into thinking that I am really 5"3.

7. Service Sloth: To support the irresistible gravitational pull I feel to any soft surface that contains a pillow and/or blanket, including a couch, arm chair, bed, hospital bed, and empty office with a couch and no window, and to support the feeling that I sometimes enjoy looking at trees from those soft surfaces.

8. Service Slow Loris: To support my periodic episodes of crippling depression and anxiety, because the Slow Loris is the cutest animal ever to evolve on earth, and the only way I will never feel depressed or anxious again is if I can have a Service Slow Loris and gaze into its sweet little furry Gremlin face every day for the rest of my life or its life, whichever ends first.

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