Friday, April 17, 2015

My Self-Esteem is Directly Linked to My Number of Twitter Followers, Retweets, and Favorited Tweets

I've been on Twitter for less than a week, but I can already tell that my self-esteem is--and forevermore will be--directly linked to my number of Twitter followers, retweets, and favorited tweets. 

The fact that my current number of Twitter followers is in the double-digits--not even the triple digits--is killing me. As is the fact that the only person who has favorited my tweets is my husband and an online style magazine. And upon reflection, I don't believe the magazine even read that particular tweet (which I must say was especially good). I think they were trying to flatter me into following them. It worked. Now I keep getting tweets about wearing white before Memorial Day and how it's actually trendy to wear plaid and stripes at the same time.

All I want is to open the Twitter application on my iPhone and see little "notifications" in that blue notifications bell alerting me to all the times someone has implicitly said how awesome I am, and how much they like me, by taking 2.2 seconds to propagate my deathless 140-character prose or fabulous blog links all over the internet. Is that too much to ask? Especially from a stranger, from whom such a gesture means so very much? I especially want new followers who are strangers. Not gross porn spammers either. I'm talking legitimate journalists and stately elected officials and such.

Followers.  Mmmm . . . just the sound of it. Nothing says "you're a leader" like having people be your "followers." Especially on Twitter. The number of people and entities I follow at present outweighs the number of people and entities following me, and that is unacceptable. I need more followers than followees, for only then will I have arrived as a discerning user of Twitter and a legitimate force to be reckoned with in the Twittersphere!

Facebook likes are not enough anymore, to the extent they ever were. Nor is the occasional email or text proclaiming my awesomeness. Nor is such a message delivered via Facebook Messenger. And I long ago abandoned needing to hear these things in person, for then I must feign modesty and pretend that whatever accolade I just heard did not make my self-esteem rocket several notches for ten minutes until I need the next one, like a bump of dirty street crack. 

I also cannot go back and read in-person accolades again and again every time I feel bad about myself, which I often do, and which I need to do, especially if the accolade pertains to my rapier wit, physical beauty, profound intelligence, or deep sense of altruism. In that order. Memory is unreliable and it's just not as satisfying to roll the mental videotape of in-person accolades.

Yes, it's clear my friends. I mean followers. My self-esteem is--and now always will be--directly linked to a readily quantifiable number of three online metrics of self-worth. Namely my number of Twitter followers, retweets, and favorited tweets.

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