Monday, April 13, 2015

The Only Hope

Someone handed me a little pamphlet this morning, and this was the cover:

I was pretty sure it was a piece of "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" fan fiction, but to my great surprise, it wasn't.  I opened it up and started reading, and after reading the whole thing front to back, I decided to reproduce the two best and most informative pages for my beloved O.H.M. readers. Here's the first one:

Wow. I am OBSESSED with this conversation. It sounds like a conversation overheard at that den of sin and iniquity I attended lo these many years ago known as BROWN UNIVERSITY, which I discussed a bit in this post from several weeks ago.

"I love drugs. Do you?" Well. I am definitely going to hell, because I can't count the number of times I've asked someone that question in my life. However, I can't say I ever got the response, "No, incest and murder are my things." Probably because incest and murder are usually enhanced by drug use, but this makes it sound like they are mutually exclusive! 

What bullshit. 

I also love the bit of dialogue about killing people just for fun and torturing them first. It's well known that people who kill and torture people just for fun usually have a dialogue about it ahead of time--one that makes it sound like they're trying to decide between a double cheeseburger and a double bacon cheeseburger on a takeout menu. 

Finally, I'm a little bit confused about the "he's my wife!" part. I guess that's Satan's nod to marriage equality? And the "take yours [sic.] hands off him" must be Satan's nod to poor grammar and typos.

Then there's this:

I LOVE the step-by-step! Especially the paint-by-numbers "What to Pray" part. Because obviously, unless you follow this script verbatim, God will not hear your prayers and you will go to hell, likely after a life spent smoking crack, fucking your sister, maiming and torturing your next door neighbor, marrying someone of the same gender, and then--the greatest sin of all--drawing a comic about it filled with bad grammar and typos.

I'm so glad I found this pamphlet. I was really going off the rails for awhile there, and this has really straightened out my entire moral compass.

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