Thursday, April 9, 2015

America, You Need a Stimulus Package

America, you need a stimulus package. In other words, you need to have your package stimulated. 

There’s a guy in Congress from Ohio who’s pretending his last name isn’t actually Boner by adding a couple of extra letters in the middle, but let’s get real. It’s Boner. And he’s the head dick in charge of stimulating America’s package. So you need to wine and dine him, otherwise he and his fellow dicks will straight-up fuck you right in the assets.

The rest of the world is going to give you the shaft and/or the high hard one unless Congress grows a pair and starts stimulating your package by massaging the economy right there in the nation’s top sausage factory, also known as Congress.

Stimulus tends to cause expansion and hyper-inflation (especially when tightening your belt), and that can get uncomfortable. But America, trust me, your package is gonna feel great once it is properly stimulated. The recovery period between episodes of stimulus varies from year to year, especially in a boom and bust cycle.

But that's OK America! You have the biggest and best junk in the whole wide world! You need to stay ahead without taking it from behind. It would be a crying shame if Congress didn’t stimulate your package until you yielded an epic climax of output, deposits, and gross liquid domestic production.

The thing you want to avoid is letting China catch you with your package just sitting there limp in your hand. And God forbid India sneaks up on you buffing the banana, choking the chicken, flogging the log, jerkin’ the gherkin, polishing the rocket, tossing the turkey, yanking the crank, or playing pocket pool with your un-stimulated package.

Remember: It’s Congress’s job—not yours—to stimulate your package, and you know they have plenty of dicks to do it with, too. Stimulating your package is bound to cause some friction, rub a few people the wrong way, and maybe even chafe a couple of taints. But once your package is stimulated, you’re home free, America.

And don't worry. It's not ALL about the Boner.

Boner will have some bipartisan help from his fellow Congressmen and women: Representatives Jason Chaffetz (R. Utah); Elijah Cummings (D, Maryland); Debbie Dingell (D. Michigan); Lloyd Doggett (D. Texas); Virginia Foxx (R. North Carolina); Marcia Fudge (D. Ohio); George Holding (R. North Carolina); Hank Johnson (D. Georgia); David Jolly (R. Florida); David Loebsack (D. Iowa); Billy Long (R. Missour); Mia Love (R. Utah); Jerrold Nadler (R. New York); Mark Pocan (D. Wisconsin); Jared Polis (D. Colorado); Scott Rigell (R. Virginia); Dina Titus (D. Nevada); Ann Wagner (R. Missouri); and Ted Yoho (R. Florida).

And don’t forget the Senators: John Barrasso (R. Wyoming); John Boozman (R. Arkansas); Thad Cochran (R. Mississippi); Bob Corker (R. Tennessee); Mike Crapo (R. Idaho); Ron Johnson (R. Wisconsin); Gary Peters (D. Michigan); Brian Schatz (D. Hawaii); and Ron Wyden (D. Oregon).

Bottom line, you need a sustainable and well-spread stimulus package, America, and all these dicks are gonna give it to you.

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