Friday, April 24, 2015

I For One Demand a Stripper at My Funeral

The Wall Street Journal reported yesterday that China is cracking down on the practice of funereal stripping. You heard that right, compadres. Those fascist commies want to put an end to the "obscene" practice in which sexy, busty, women in Lucite heels, pancake makeup, and bright red lipstick hit the pole in the hopes of drawing more mourners to a decedent's funeral. 

See, the more sad peeps you have at your funeral, the happier you'll be in the afterlife, and without titties, pasties, thong undies, and some dollar bills poking around near a stripper's vajiigle-jaggle, no one is gonna show up, or so say the defenders of this honorable practice.

I am firmly on their side. 

As I've written before in this post from November, I have very detailed and specific funereal requirements. Specifically, I want at least 500 people present at my funeral. And I noted that my hope for an afterlife is based solely on my desire to observe the spectacle of grieving and repentant weeping in the wake of my death, particularly from ex-boyfriends and prior lovers who have wronged me, and who will now never have closure, and who will be overheard wailing and blubbering like little girls and muttering my name over and over again between cries of "WHY GOD, WHY?!" while shaking their heads and rubbing their red, puffy eyeballs.

Now I can add one more item to my funeral wish list, and that's a stripper. For just $322 USD, a woman can "gyrate out of her clothes"--sometimes even with a snake in hand--"mere steps from a photo of the deceased."

As long as it's made clear that this stripper is trashy-hot and I am--er, was--classically beautiful, I'm OK with this. I'm actually better than OK with it, because what I really want is for my funeral to be above average. And that means TWO female strippers for $644 doing "ass-to-ass" next to my casket, like in Requiem for a Dream.

Thank God this is America, and we can do whatever we want at our funerals! Long live America, land of the free, home of the you can have two strippers tastefully "lezzing out" (to use industry speak) with each other on a pole at your funeral. 

U.S.A.! U.S.A! U.S.A.!

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