Sunday, April 12, 2015

The Olive Oil Panacea

It used to be that olive oil was only for spaghetti, stir-fry, and a business-front fence for mafia kingpins committing RICO crimes. Nowadays, though, there's pretty much no problem, issue, or malady that olive oil won't solve. 

Your kids' hair is infested with lice? Drown those microscopic bastards in olive oil! Your skin is dry? Bathe in olive oil! You're clinically depressed? Gargle with a teaspoon of olive oil every day! Your dick is falling off? Glue it back on with olive oil! You've got stage four metastatic terminal cancer and you're in hospice care? No problem; just mainline some e.v.o.o. (that's extra virgin olive oil to the non-Rachel Ray fans out there), and you'll be right as rain in no time! Put olive oil on your door hinges to make them stop squeaking. Rub olive oil into your gums every night to avoid periodontal problems. Spread olive oil all over your fuck parts for some extra kinky foodie sex action to spice up your boring sex life. What? Never heard of that? You're obviously not reading up on the varied and diverse uses of olive oil.

I like olive oil as much as the next person, but I also recognize that it's got its limitations. The one thing that olive oil would have gone pretty well with though, is the single edible item remaining after the concert goers of Alaska Folk Fest pillaged every vending machine in Juneau's convention center this past week. It's hard to tell from this picture, but a SINGLE package of Bumble Bee Snack "On the Run" Tuna Salad was the only--THE ONLY--thing left in the entire bank of vending machines after a week of partying at Folk Fest. 

So fucking nasty. Almost as nasty as using olive oil to glue your dick back on. But not QUITE as nasty as lubing up your whole body with olive oil while eating Bumble Bee On the Run Tuna Salad and dancing to the eighty zillionth bluegrass tune of the week until you literally want to kill yourself from overdosing on olive oil and bluegrass.

Incidentally, olive oil, tuna salad, and bluegrass might be the least funky party combination ever conceived. I for one am not gonna be trying that one on for size anytime soon.

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