Friday, May 1, 2015

Game of Thrones Intervention

I've been meaning to talk to you about this for awhile, and I've really searched my heart and soul. I must've gone back and forth a zillion times about whether to confront you, and it was a hard decision, but ultimately I decided I couldn't stay silent any longer. I'm only doing this because I love you. Please know that. But you need help, and you need it now. I was up all night crying because I'm honestly not sure what will become of you if this intervention fails. This is your wake-up call.

Ok. This is hard. But here it is. You need to watch Game of Thrones. Like, all of it. Or at least get started on Season 1. The fact that you've never seen even a single minute of a single episode of this American fantasy drama series that premiered on HBO in 2011 is unconscionable.

It's like you've cut yourself off from society. Game of Thrones is in its fifth--FIFTH--season and it's like you're the ONLY person in the whole Seven Kingdoms of Westeros (AND the Icy North and both sides of the Narrow Sea) who doesn't care who ends up controlling The Iron Throne. 

How can you be so apathetic to the fate of the realm's noble families? Don't you care what befalls each member of the sprawling ensemble cast? Don't you even want to know who violently dies or gets raped or gets incinerated by a fire-breathing dragon each week in a fictitious Middle Earth?

Your friends and family are really worried about you. We can't enable you anymore. We can't stand idly by while you fail to appreciate the ceiling-shattering work of little person actor Peter Dinklage, who plays Tyrrion Lannister. Have you even BEEN on the internet recently? Didn't you know that people are naming their actual babies after Game of Thrones characters? Names like Catelyn, Sansa, Arya, Bran, Bronn, Roose, Gendry, Brienne, Tommen, Stannis, Shae, Jeor, Gilly, and Ygritte? 

Oh what. You thought bran was just something your mom put in her cereal when you were a kid to make her "regular?" Well, not anymore, homeslice. Bran is a key character on Game of Thrones. And actual human babies are being born on current earth, and getting named Bran. But you wouldn't know that. Would you?

Why are you looking at me like that? I'm not making this up. Don't look at me like I'm the crazy one here. You're the one who has never watched even one SECOND of Game of Thrones!

By failing to watch Game of Thrones, you are missing at least 65% of all references made on social media and in common conversation. The longer you go without watching Game of Thrones, the more isolated, alienated, and ostracized you become, and it's both sad and terrifying to me and everyone who loves and cares about you.

There's not much time left. Season six is already in production, and at this point you're so far behind you might never catch up. Please. I'm begging you. Start watching Game of Thrones before it's too late, and you're attacked by White Walkers and undead wildlings. 

The choice is yours, and it's simple: Watch Game of Thrones, or risk losing contact with everyone you know and love forever. 

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