Monday, November 16, 2015

Rupert Murdoch's Pop Quiz for Syrian Refugees

21st Century Fox CEO Rupert Murdoch pretty much set the Interwebs ablaze on Monday when he suggested that refugees from Syria should have to "prove" their "Christianity" before being granted asylum in the United States, where--per my seventh grade civics text book--the separation of church and state remains a fundamental precept. The Australian-born, multi-bazillionaire, albino California raisin tweeted this:
Obama facing enormous opposition in accepting refugees. Maybe make special exception for proven Christians.
WOW. That is SUCH a good idea!  Can I PLEASE write the quiz that gets handed out at the border? Each refugee will need to score at least a 7 on this quiz to prove their Christianity, otherwise they have to go back to the bombed-out kitty litter box from whence they came. 

I mean, that's only fair.

Here are the ten probing questions by which Syrian refugees will assert and prove their allegiance to The Lord Jesus Christ and thereby gain admission into our secular democracy:

1. The appropriate design of a Starbucks cup is:
(a) Jesus on the cross.
(b) Plain red.
(c) Puppies in scarves and snowmen on sleds.
(d) None of the above.

2. Kim Davis is:
(a) An alias for hip-hop star Lil' Kim.
(b) A modern-day self-proclaimed Christian soldier who refused to do her government job.
(c) A complete wingnut.
(d) Both (b) and (c).

3. Michelle Duggar has how many kids?
(a) 19 and counting.
(b) 12, one for each apostle.
(c) A Googleplex
(d) Who's Michelle Duggar?

4. The main dish served at The Last Supper was:
(a) Hummus and lamb kabobs.
(b) Jello mold with marshmallows.
(c) Green bean casserole.
(d) Bread.

5. What were the pyramids in Ancient Egypt for?
(a) Storing grain.
(b) Entombing dead pharaohs. 
(c) Early, elaborate sand castles.
(d) Landmarks for extra-terrestrials.

6. How many bubbles are in a bar of soap?
(a) As many as God wills there to be.
(b) What does soap have to do with it?
(c) It doesn't matter. The point is cleanliness is next to Godliness.
(d) A few less than Michelle Duggar has kids.

7. What was Jesus's favorite brand of coffee?
(a) Starbucks.
(b) Kirk Cameron's signature Christian coffee.
(c) Decaf Folgers.
(d) Not applicable. He only drank wine.

8. What was God's gift to Rupert Murdoch?
(a) Sick dentures.
(b) Dope suits.
(c) A shit-ton of money.
(d) All of the above.

9. What is the best band/musician ever in the history of the whole entire world?
(a) Creed.
(b) Ted Nugent.
(c) Amy Grant.
(d) Slayer.

10. What is the most important thing you can do to prove you are Christian?
(a) Get rid of scary head covering.
(b) Change funny-sounding, unpronounceable name to Jimmy-Bob Jones.
(c) Score a 7 or above on this test.
(d) All of the above.

1 comment:

  1. Or another thing you might do to prove yourself a Christian is to open your country, heart, and home to others in need... except wait, I can't remember if that's one of the criteria anymore. This shit is really a moving target.

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