Friday, November 6, 2015

Of Sugar and Shit Holes: May I Suggest a Sugar Detox or a Clutter-FreeHome?


I can tell something's bothering you? You look sad and tired! As you can probably guess from my calm and well-rested demeanor, I have recently emerged from the other side of two horrible, ruinous scourges of modern life: sugar and clutter.

Sugar is the new tobacco and I cannot stress this enough: you really need to conquer your addiction to sugar. I was once like you (and by once I mean three weeks ago): Sitting there during the 3:00 p.m. weekday "crash," fantasizing about those giant sugar-sponge $1.50 Rice Krispy Treats in the vending machine downstairs and the two large, black canvas shopping bags brimming with Halloween candy at home. Thinking about how the kids probably won't notice if all their Heath Bars are gone, but don't push it with the Reese's. And how all you want is a giant shovel full of Nutella in your face right this second. 

Of course you do! That's understandable! Sugar is eight times more addictive than cocaine. Eight times! Big Sugar is drugging the masses with Fanta and high fructose corn syrup just like Phillip Morris did with tobacco and Exxon did with oil. If you remember nothing else, remember this: Sugar is The. New. Tobacco.  You need to get off that crack. 


May I suggest a sugar detox? It's SUPER easy, but you need to go cold turkey. And by cold turkey I mean that literally cold turkey is good. Provided it's organic, grass-fed, cage-free, farm-raised, nitrate-free and of course--not honey-glazed. I can email you the detox cleanse purge. It's super easy. I can't remember all the steps off the top of my head, but it involves cayenne pepper, about a dozen lemons, and a poached egg. You wouldn't believe what comes off the wall of your colon. It's like your body is literally expelling dried-up Cinnabon shrapnel. You really see and feel the results fast.

Also NO Diet Coke. I know how you love your artificial sweeteners, but as you're well aware they cross the blood-brain barrier and will lodge tiny beads of formaldehyde in the frontal lobe of your brain, which is the part you need to make good decisions. Like they seriously won't even let you donate your organs if you die in a car accident and they find out you're a regular Diet Coke drinker. Anyway, I did the sugar detox like three weeks ago and I've never felt better. I'm never going back to sugar. 


Also, I didn't want to say anything, but I noticed last time I brought you homemade lentil soup that your house is a shit hole that could easily be featured on Hoarders and that you seemed super sad about that? I'm not sure if you're aware, but there's a big movement afoot to de-clutter our lives and thereby de-clutter our depressed souls. Your stuff is bringing you down, that much is clear. Don't blame your parents who keep buying more and more shit for your kids or your kids who refuse to clean up that very same shit after playing with it for ten seconds, no matter how loud you yell at them or for how long. It's not their fault. You need to exert some autonomy to fight The Culture of Stuff. 

Change your mindset!

As you're well aware I've got three little ones myself and I'm proud to say we've reduced our possessions to a medium-sized rice cooker, a Vitamix blender, two fitted sheets, and a single spatula. When the kids want to play they bang the spatula around in the rice cooker and pretend they're part of a band. It's called using your imagination. You should really encourage your kids to try it sometime.

Oh and one more thing. That iPhone? Dude. You need to shut it off one hour before you go to sleep. Put it in the bathtub if you have to. It's totally fucking up your neurotransmitters. They've done studies.

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