Friday, November 6, 2015

The Wonders of the World According to Ben Carson

United States Presidential candidate Ben Carson  has a "personal belief" that the great pyramids of Egypt were built by Joseph from the Bible to store grain, and not, as archaeologists say, to inter dead pharaohs.

O.H.M.'s top-secret sources have recently revealed that Ben Carson also has similar, rock-solid theories about other major world wonders, both natural and man-made:

The Grand Canyon: The Grand Canyon originally started out as an irrigation ditch dug by Noah to deal with the whole impending flood situation. Obviously, Noah was busy building the ark, so he had his sons, Ham and Yam, working on this. The Grand Canyon was later made larger by Paul Bunyan, who carved it up while dragging his ax on the ground as he bravely headed west with Babe the Blue Ox.

Great Barrier Reef: This supposed "coral reef" is actually a secret, underwater alien military base and experimental laboratory built and developed by visitors from another galaxy who mean us GREAT harm. For years, this alien race has been clandestinely using the GBR to vet, develop, and test new species of beings for an earthly takeover sometime in the next eight years. The diving and tourism industry is in cahoots with the aliens, who rely on sexy, tanned Australian beach bums to bring humans down to the reef, where lost goggles and the occasional stray hair or skin cell are used to further their nefarious research.

Aurora Borealis: This phenomenon is not, as some "scienticians" say, "caused by the collision of energetic charged particles with atoms in the high altitude atmosphere." It is actually back-light from Jesus's X-Box. It's well known that Jesus totally loves to play Grand Theft Auto, especially in winter when it's cold and he just wants to snuggle up under a blanket. (That's why the Aurora is usually only seen in winter).

Northern lights over Alaska

Great Wall of China: This wasn't actually built by Chinese people, who were too busy testing recipes for the highly-delicious Pu-Pu Platter and General Tso's chicken in their woks. It was in fact built by Moses, who was using it as a physical barrier against blasphemous eastern religions and savage pagan cultures. These godless beliefs and their practitioners were threatening to take everyone's jobs on the Sinai Peninsula. So really The Great Wall presents a teachable moment with regard to our immigration policies toward Canada and Mexico.

Taj Mahal: Again, the elites are wrong about the Taj Majal. It is not actually a white marble mausoleum commissioned in 1632 to house the tomb of an emperor's most favorite of three wives. Rather, ancient predecessors to ISIS built the Taj Majal. These "pre-ISIS" terrorists were well aware that Americans are easily tempted by stuff made from marble, white or otherwise. Throughout the course of history, beginning with the Taj Majal, ISIS and its predecessors have exploited Americans' weakness for designer kitchen counter tops toward the insidious goal of establishing a caliphate on American soil.

1 comment:

  1. Carson is truly amazing. How does a mind who is such a brilliant neurosurgeon get so far out of touch with reality in everything else?


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