Thursday, November 26, 2015

22 Things Americans Can Count on This Thanksgiving (If They're Lucky)

1. An argument about how to cook/carve the turkey in which each party claims to be the authority on how to cook/carve the turkey.

2. A gratitude deficiency complex.

3. A fleeting but unsettling discomfort over the colonialist origins of Thanksgiving.

4. Traffic war stories.

5. Someone discussing who might or might not be gay in your family.

6. An arguably demented senior citizen becoming extremely agitated for no apparent reason.

7. Too much something (usually information).

8. Not enough something (usually drugs and alcohol).

9. Heated arguments about Donald Trump and refugees.

10. A faction of people who only care about the football game.

11. A faction of people who could give two shits about football.

12. A faction of people who actively hate football and want to deliver a raft of concussion and domestic violence-related stats on it.

13. White people whitesplaining the Black Lives Matter movement like they know what they're talking about.

14. Troubling regression into childhood dynamics with parents and siblings.

15. Someone who keeps offering and trying to fix things in your house and car.

16. Full-bore retreat into personal devices as coping mechanism.

17. A child having a temper tantrum.

18. A trip to the emergency room.

19. Universal judgment of parenting skills.

20. A long, intergenerational explanation of the Whip and Nae Nae, complete with YouTube tutorials.

21. A bunch of people from your high school supposedly meeting out at a bar in a strip mall off Route 17.

22. An attempted "piecaken."

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