Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Kirk Cameron's Signature Coffee Brand is the Best Thing I've Heard About All Day

Children of the '80s: I hope you're sitting down, because I have a bombshell piece of news to report, and for a nice change of pace, it's actually happy news.

One of my friends recently alerted me to the fact that Kirk Cameron of Growing Pains fame has his own brand of coffee beans! As I write this, I am drinking a cup of break-room Costco Kirkland (no pun intended) brand coffee with my lunch and wishing--no, praying--that I had something better. Like Kirk Cameron's coffee, for example, which has somehow been blessed by the hand of God, despite the fact that you thought (up until today) that coffee beans and religion have about as much in common with one another as fish and bicycles. 

Well you'd be wrong to think that, because while Kirk isn't busy restoring our nation by making the obvious link between "ISIS & Planned Parenthood: The Evil Among Us," informing us that the latter is (DUH) "shipping dead baby heads," pointing out that "there is no such thing as free porn," and dropping science by proving that teeth are rock-solid evidence that evolution is a total crock of bullshiz, he's been gathering coffee beans in the name of saving Christmas.

Everyone knows that coffee is the new wine, and that Jesus turned water into wine, and that therefore it's a small leap from there to a delicious cup of sacred coffee. Also, everyone knows that you might as well give yourself a Folgers enema if you're not brewing your coffee cup-by-cup in a stove-top espresso maker using the finest small-batch, craft-roasted, free-trade, responsibly-sourced, shade-grown, fresh-ground, non-GMO organic beans available in the cloud forests of Indonesia. 

Seriously, your coffee needs to be modified by at least three hyphenated adjectives to be worth drinking.

So what does a fancy cup of coffee have to do with ISIS, porn, evolution, dead baby heads, and religion? Well nothing, except that the proceeds from this fancy cup of coffee will help save Christmas (somehow, still not sure how), while all those other things are systematically taking December 25 and (somehow, also still not sure how) stomping it into tiny little shards like so many delicate ornaments. 

Cue evil laugh: MWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!

I thought hosing myself down with Adam Levine's signature fragrance was the be-all and end-all. Then I thought no, front row tickets to see Corey Feldman's band is where it's at. Then I was all like no no, I need to see Screech from Saved by the Bell (a.k.a. estranged cast-member Dustin Diamond) lose his love handles on Celebrity Fit ClubAnd then I thought I just need to do all of these things at once while drinking some of Kirk Cameron's pious coffee as I gaze lovingly at the dead baby head mounted on my wall, bought and paid for with my donation to Planned Parenthood's HPV vaccine program for teen girls. (Because like, that's the prize they give their most valued donors. NPR gives you a tote bag or a mug; Planned Parenthood ships you a dead baby head).

You should do the same, and while you're at it, I highly recommend diving straight down the kirkcameron.com internet rabbit hole because I assure you: The gems you will find on there are better than anything else on Earth or in Heaven.



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