Saturday, August 22, 2015

DERP! Talks and Three Words I've Never Said

TED Talks, TED Talks, TED Talks. If you want to learn anything worth knowing nowadays, you'd better watch a TED Talk, or at least a podcast. Or a podcast of a TED Talk. Or a TED Talk about podcasts. You need to listen to everyone from Jimmy Carter to various famous-if-you-know-who-they-are grownup cool kids lecture you about orgasms, the secret of true happiness, and what it means to be vulnerable. 

Well, I for one think TED Talks are highly overrated. How do I know this? I just went on the TED website and every single TED Talk is rated by some totally over-the-top adjective: creative, inspiring, persuasive, moving, informative, funny, courageous, etc. It can't possibly be that all of the world's zillions of TED Talks are that wonderful, can it? Certainly some of them must be crappy, boring, useless, cringe-inducing, painful, and/or excruciating and punishing?

That's why I've decided that the universe needs a realistic answer to TED Talks, and they should be called "DERP! Talks." I'm volunteering to be the pilot speaker, and the first talk will be called, "Three Words I've Never Said." 

Here's what will happen. 

I'll stand on the sparse DERP! stage under bluish lighting with a microphone on my lapel and a huge PowerPoint screen in the background. The first slide will be the title of my DERP! Talk, "Three Words I've Never Said," and the second slide--presented with much fanfare--will be "I Got This."

That's because "I Got This" are three words I have never said, at least not together in that order. And that is because there is not a whole lot of "this" that I've "got" in this world. 

Accordingly, all of the successive slides will be all of the "this" that I simply have not "got." Slide after slide will illuminate my failings and shortcomings in giant, ten foot slide-show format: Ceramics; sewing; driving a stick-shift; overcoming social snubs and romantic slights; baking; gardening; calculus; cribbage; marathon-racing; trail running/biking/blazing; high-yield financial investing; and finish carpentry. It's a must-see.

Stay tuned for the first ever DERP! Talk titled "I Got This." Coming soon to a dimly-lit auditorium near you.

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