Monday, August 17, 2015

Oreo Cookies Are For Classy Bitchez Now

Achtung actual and aspiring rich skinny bitchez of the world! Oreos are now being marketed to your size zero ass cheeks! This is "the Oreo you love, now thinner," and it "pairs perfectly with your unwinding time." 

I know, I know. You thought Oreos were for depressed, pimply fatties who occasionally lose track of a few double-stuffs in the rolls between their belly buttons and their vajay-jays, only to find them later while watching Fifty Shades of Grey and humping their favorite teddy bear. 

Well, think again, because now the Oreo is "thin," and you should "pair" it with some wine! And if a cookie is thin, you'll be thin eating it, and if they tell you to "pair" it with your "unwinding" time and show the cookie on a corkscrew, you'll know it's cuh-lassay with a capital C!

See, it's the fatness of the Oreo cookie itself that makes your ass fat while eating it. So now that the cookie is thin, you will be too. Just the word "thin" makes you think "good." In a focus group, four out of four women ages 25-40 said that if the Oreo cookie itself weren't so goddamned fat, they would feel skinny--and maybe even get skinny!-- eating it late at night during their "unwinding" time. Also, they would feel less like a piece of white trash if they could "pair" their thin Oreo with a nice Malbec after a long, hard day getting yelled at while reviewing different handbags at their job as an accessories editor with Conde Nast.

Oreo's spokesperson says that the company is marketing the cookie as a "grown-up treat" that can "pair" with a "cup of tea, an afternoon latte, or even a glass of whiskey in lieu of the classic milk-and-Oreo pairing."

So again, let's review: You have officially just seen it all, because Oreo cookies are now for adult, moderate, classy wine-drunks. You don't just dunk an Oreo in milk pair an Oreo with milk anymore, because you're not having your fourth grade after school snack. And you're not mashing them up into ice cream like a bulimic college freshman, either. 

Nope. Now you're "pairing" your Oreo with booze, and that's OK, because this cookie is thin, and so are you.

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