Sunday, August 23, 2015

12 Things Alaskans Need to Know About President Obama's Historic Visit to Alaska

1. By the time it's over, you'll be nostalgic for press coverage of Sarah Palin.

2. Humpy's is hosting a 72 hour drinking game where you get a free beer every time you hear the words "climate change," "historic visit," and/or "FAA airspace" on TV.

3. The congressional delegation and numerous other Alaska luminaries are publicly competing for the "most snubbed by POTUS" award. The trophy is a little gold-plated oil rig and the ceremony will be held on the Quarter Deck of the Captain Cook under heightened security.

4. Anyone who's anyone is going to be in the same room with Obama, so if you don't get to see Obama in person, you're a total loser. Like when Elton John came to the Sullivan Arena that one time.

5. The White House is paying a plane to sky-write "SORRY MOOSE HUNTERS!," and airdrop some of those little moose dropping novelty chocolates over the whole interior as recompense for being grounded during the moose hunt.

6. A friend of a friend of a cousin's friend works for the secret service and has it on good authority that Obama is going to shoot hoops with a bunch of high school students in an as-yet-to-be-named Alaskan village.

7. The White House and the rest of America apparently just figured out that there are still places in the United States that not even the President can get to safely and easily.

8. Obama has ordered bear claw salad tongs and Alaska Grown hoodies for his entire staff and family, so don't try to buy any for yours this week.

9. The White House hasn't yet released details of what the weather will be during the President's visit nor confirmed whether the laws of gravity will continue to apply.

10. If you live in Alaska and haven't figured out by now that THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT AND HISTORIC VISIT you should pull a Chris McCandless immediately and just go get lost in the woods forever.

11. The President has granted the One Hot Mess blog an exclusive interview and will be guest-blogging from the Brooks Range.

12. Rand Paul is visiting at around the same time and no one even cares.

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