Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Mr. Dark's Colon Cleanse

There's spam, and then there's spam. 

Every now and then, I open my inbox to a piece of spam so good, it's like Santa Claus himself dropped Super Mario Bros. 3 down the chimney in 1989, and I just have to tell the whole wide world about it.

"Mr. Dark's Colon Cleanse" is one such nugget of spam.

Who is this mysterious Mr. Dark, you ask? I have no idea, but I suspect he MAY be a limited-English proficient robot-purveyor of rectal Roto Rootering services conveniently available throughout the developing world. 

Here's what he proposed to me (via a completely unrelated blog post, of course):

At first it seems like Mr. Dark is talking about yoga, Pilates, or some form of power stretching. But then you read a little further, and discover that no, he must be explaining how to evict six days' worth of backed-up breakfast burritos from your rectal storage unit. Otherwise why would he have included an embedded link advertising a colon cleanse?

Now, I did not click on the link for fear that doing so would immediately funnel the modest contents of my bank account directly to a massage parlor in Uzbekistan and/or cause my mobile device to self-combust in my hands after showering my screen with a cloudburst of pornographic pop-up windows. 

But I DO plan to follow Mr. Dark's shit-taking calisthenics protocol from now on. 

Eight glasses of water plus this routine--especially the part where I "really tune in" to "reach my arms home" into a "nice beautiful crescent" should "it" fail to "make it on its own"--will probably recalibrate my whole digestive system to the efficiency of a Swiss watch.

Sure my kids will be an hour late for school every morning, but so what? It's worth it for the example I'll be setting. There are some things you just can't learn in a classroom. 

Thanks Mr. Dark!

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