Wednesday, August 19, 2015

If Donald Trump Live-Tweeted a Trip to Alaska

Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump): This state is, without question, the WORST EVER state! Where are the good hotels? These hotels are awful. I’ve built better hotels in my sleep.

Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump): Sarah Palin. Sadly, she’s no longer a 10. Now Bristol, there’s a 10. Bristol, call me. Let’s talk Miss Universe. Very successful pageant.

Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump): Everyone knows a bear shits in the woods. Even Obama knows that. I just saw a sow with blood coming out of her wherever. I hear Obama is visiting Alaska next week. Big deal! I got here first.

Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump): These cruise ships here. I don’t get it. People say, “Oh, he went bankrupt.” Well I know a cruise ship when I see one, and this isn’t one. I should know, I own several. Gold-plated. All of them.

Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump): Went on Deadliest Catch tonight. Great show. Love that show. Highest ever ratings for that show. 2.2M viewers, when I was on it.

Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump): These women up here, they can’t dress for anything. Very sad! Waste of a great body. I told one of them, “Call me, I’ll buy you a Versace and a pair of Louboutins. Those rubber boots are awful.”

Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump): People come up to me, tell me I won’t apologize. Well, I just apologized to a halibut. Caught it off my 500 foot yacht. I apologized to him! He tasted great. Great lemon-dill sauce, that chef made.

Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump): I have to say, I’m not a fan of these glaciers. I think they’re handling the whole situation horribly. You can blame global warming but look, it's every glacier for itself. Personal Responsibility 101.

Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump): A seal flirted with me today, I swear to you. Seals are attracted to men with money and power and I have both and they know it. Yes, that's a line from Space Balls. So what? That seal, she couldn’t help herself.

Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump): This mountain here, it's a big mountain. Plenty of snow. Big deal. People want casinos, not mountains! I know that, and I can do that. That's what I do. People love me and they love my casinos. I will put a casino on this mountain next year. You watch.

Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump): I haven't seen this big a whale since Rosie O'Donnell. Look, I called her a fat pig. So what? I was wrong, but I'm not apologizing. I don't apologize. Everyone knows that. She's a fat whale, not a fat pig. So what?

Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump): Everyone up here is telling me how great my hair is. And they're right! It is. Look at my hair. I made a lot of money. You don't get hair like this without a lot of money.

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