Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Who Cares About Water on Mars? There’s a SHITLOAD Right Here in Juneau!

The biggest news under the sun this week was NASA's announcement that it's found evidence of water on Mars.  A finding, b-t-dubs, that MENSA-member, hobby astronomer, and Jabba-the Hutt doppelganger/repellent humanoid Rush Limbaugh promptly and credibly debunked as a scientific conspiracy to “advance the leftist agenda” on climate change. To which anyone with 1.5 brain cells to rub together can only say: What the actual fuck.

On the off-chance that Rush’s Mars truthing is wrong, I think it’s a good time to point out to America (and indeed the rest of Planet Earth) that there is more water than one could ever hope to find in this galaxy or any other right here in Juneau, Alaska.

At this my precious lunch hour, I'm seeing a peek of sunlight for the first time in it's hard to even count how many days. It's literally been raining sideways for weeks, and the gullies along every single crack of mountain are bursting with rushing water. By this time of year, the response of most Juneauites when they see water falling from the sky is to shriek "H2NOOOOOO!" at the top of their lungs.

Half the earth is in drought, and the powers-that-be are looking to the heavens for a solution? Come come now. Juneau is like Taylor Swift in that song about her hot platonic dude friend who's dating a lame cheerleader, Mars is the cheerleader, and NASA is the hot dude who just doesn't realize that what he's been lookin' for has been here the whole tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime!

Put down your telescopes, NASA, and hop the next jet to Seattle. All the water you've ever imagined could possibly exist in the universe is right here in Southeast Alaska.

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