Friday, September 11, 2015

Live in The Past!

Are you tired of the hustle and bustle of The Present? Have you had it with the smug superiority of everyone who tells you that you need to live there in order to be truly content? Do you daydream about the Shamwow infomercial; wart removal; the proper dosage for children's Tylenol; gecko terrariums; your physical inferiority to everyone in your peripheral vision; and pretty much anything except "breath" while in warrior pose during yoga class?

Well look no further, because the living is easy in this stylish, antique, 2,400 square-foot ranch-style home with a wrap-around porch of regret known as your cerebral cortex.

The floor plan encompasses four spacious neural lobes perfect for storing all of your long-term memories, as well as two full bathrooms and a half-bathroom (in a gas station) that you crapped in but the toilet wouldn’t flush so you just ran away in a “shit and run.”

Wait wait. Remember that one guy from the summer you were a lifeguard? You know who I’m talking about. Yep. That's him. Go on Facebook. Do it now. The past is just a click away! Zoom in on the pictures of his extremely clean-looking wife with blonde highlights whose vagina undoubtedly smells like a summer’s evening year-round, and wonder if he will ever get divorced. That's a rhetorical question. He will never get divorced! Not if he's even 1.3% as happy as he looks in these pictures, anyway. How did he ever manage to become this happy without you? 
Now look at Instagram. Told you. His wife is super hot. 

But wait, there’s more!

You always wanted to go to medical school, remember that? Now think about those molecule models from organic chemistry—that class you didn’t take because it was “too hard,” and literally the only thing you understood was that you were holding colored balls on sticks. Remember how you needed to take (AND pass) organic chemistry to get into medical school so you decided to be an English major instead? Remember how it was SO much easier to read Pride and Prejudice while lying in bed eating dry Cap’n Crunch with Crunch Berries (TM) out of a coffee mug than it was to do anything more advanced than a toddler would do with those ball-and-stick molecule things? 

This is an ideal place to kick back and relax while dwelling on the fact that you always took the easy way out.

Perfect for lingering in mild-to-moderate despair over missed opportunities and obvious failures, The Past is ideally located in close proximity to the night life you’re too old to have, the shopping you have no money to do, and the schools your kids will never get into--not because they aren't smart enough, necessarily--but because you lack the requisite ambition and selflessness to pry open those doors for them.

The Past: it's where you grew up, so come home again! Contact your friendly psychotherapist to schedule a showing today! 

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