Friday, September 18, 2015

Congress to Your Lady Parts: Drop Dead, Bitches!

To: People with vaginas, uteruses, fallopian tubes, and other weird gross lady parts
From: The United States House of Representatives
Re: Your vaginas, uteruses, fallopian tubes, and other weird gross lady parts
cc: Your boobs

You may have heard today's news that we just voted to freeze all federal funding for the only organization in the country that consistently provides safe, quality reproductive health services and family planning of all kinds to women of every income level, thus caring for the lady parts upon which the perpetuation of the entire human race and civilization depend.

You would think that hijacking women's health to score political points over a budget stalemate was bad news, but we assure you it's not. See, we in Washington, D.C. have our priorities in order. And the first order of business--AFTER telling your lady parts to drop dead--is to investigate the legality of fantasy football leagues.

Seriously. What could be more important than determining whether online pay sites that operate gambling enterprises on a pretend sports game are drifting into "legally murky" territory? 

Oh wait. We know!

Telling your lady parts to DROP DEAD!  That's what. HPV vaccine? Nope. Birth control? Fuck off! Forget about it. If you spread your legs--or if someone spreads them for you against your will--you deserve whatever you get, including genital warts and other STDs. Never mind that almost zero federal dollars are actually spent on legal abortion procedures to which some people legitimately object, but that are nonetheless constitutionally guaranteed (i.e. unlike online fantasy football, not legally murky). 

And kindly disregard the fact that we just made this decision on the back of a blatant and utterly debunked conspiracy theorist/tin foil hat wearer-pandering smear campaign on the level of Holocaust denial and staged moon-landing truthing. Because that's the kind of evidence that really gives us pause here in the hallowed halls of Congress. 

Basically, what we're saying is if you have a vagina, good luck to you, because you're on your own.

On. Your. Own.

Now. If you want to buy a no-questions-asked AK-47 assault rifle at Wal-Mart to snuff out all the human lives we care so much about in under ten seconds, play fantasy football online, or get some Viagra so your dick stays hard for four hours or more--well, then we've got something to talk about.


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