Wednesday, September 16, 2015

This Bear With His Head in a Jar is Totally My Spirit Animal

You guys, I just officially found my Spirit Animal. It's this black bear, who was seen wandering around Juneau yesterday with his head in a plastic jar:

Callers alerted authorities to the presence of the bear early Tuesday morning, as he lumbered through the streets of downtown Juneau with his snout crammed down some sort of empty food container discarded by a careless human. 

A biologist from the Alaska Department of Fish & Game swooped in like superwoman, tranquilized the bear, removed the container, and "relocated" the bear to "an area outside of Juneau." The biologist described the container as "one of those over-sized animal cookie containers."

Allow me to explain why this bear is totally my Spirit Animal.

First of all, he is covered from asshole to ear in a coat of thick, black hair. Guess what? So am I! 

Second, he has his head crammed into an empty container of food. This is literally what I look like EVERY single night after my kids go to bed! Just replace "over-sized animal cookie container" with "empty Costco jar of Nutella" or "empty jar of Adams Crunchy Peanut Butter," and PRESTO! We are twins! For reals. 

Third, he got tranquilized. Again, I LOVE tranquilizing myself, although I've never been so fortunate as to do it with veterinary medicine. I'll be honest though. If I could get my hands on a bunch of bear tranquilizers, I'm not ashamed to admit I'd shoot one right into my butt cheek faster than you can say "Winnie the Pooh." And when all was said and done, I wouldn't mind waking up somewhere else entirely, either.

Fourth, when I do walk around, I usually do so aimlessly, occasionally prompting concerned calls to the police. 

Finally, this animal's two main priorities are food and sleep, which--coincidentally--are my two biggest priorities in life as well!

I don't know what "area outside of Juneau" this bear now inhabits, and although presumably he can't read, I hope on some level he knows he has a human soul mate in me.

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