Saturday, September 5, 2015

If You Married a Serial Killer You Are Dumb as Shit

I'm sorry, it's true. If you married a serial killer and didn't realize it, you deserve a lot of shade. Way more than you generally receive. Because you are dumb as shit.

I love informative murder porn, especially the schlockumentaries about serial killers. Inevitably, the serial killers are leading double lives; working as a vacuum cleaner salesman by day with a wife and three kids, and binding people up in zip ties and strangling them while jizzing on their corpses by night.

Every marriage has its divisive secrets, of course, but this is just a bridge too far. The level of non-observant you need to be rocking to not realize you're married to a serial killer is truly staggering.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking: how do YOU know? YOU could be married to a serial killer and not even realize it! Except I know I'm not, because Geoff can't even flush a goldfish down the toilet or look at the Grand Canyon without crying, and he hardly ever leaves the house unless it's to take our kids somewhere.

And that's what I'm saying. It takes a certain level of willful blindness at best, and profound stupidity at worst, to not realize your spouse is off making a coat out of human skin and telling his hostages to "put the lotion in the basket or else it gets the hose again."

I want a follow up documentary on the idiots married to serial killers. A&E: take note.

1 comment:

  1. She didn't marry him, but former Juneau assembly member Rosie Peterson did date Ted Bundy.


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