Monday, September 7, 2015

There's a New Douche in Town

Watch out Adam Levine, there's a new douche in town. His name is Andy Grammer and he's officially taking on the Maroon 5 front man and Victoria's Secret Angel (TM) vajayjay-hound for title of Biggest Douche in Pop Music.

Just one look at that smirk on his face, and you'll know I'm right. His piercing blue eyes and carefully-coifed bedhead more or less say in so many words: "Eat your heart out, Levine. I'm King Douchebag now!"

But better yet, listen to his hit single "Honey I'm Good." The entire song is literally about a bunch of women trying to buy Andy Grammer drinks and take him home with them, except he's trying to resist their advances because he has a girlfriend:
Nah, nah honey I'm good/I could have another but I probably should not/I've got somebody at home/And if I stay I might not leave alone/You look good/I will not lie/But if you ask where I'm staying tonight/I gotta be like oh baby, no baby, you got me all wrong baby/My baby's already got all of my love.
And it goes on like that. Like there are all these hotties, and they're sweating Andy Grammer so hard that he has to spend all night fending off the babes. But wait! He's gonna exercise some self restraint, peel the skanks off his jock, and head on home to his woman.

What a guy.  

The fact that my 7.5 year old daughter asks me to turn this song up every single time it comes on the radio makes it that much more unbearable, to the extent that's even possible.

It should go without saying that there isn't enough alcohol in the world to make me jump in the sack with this guy. First of all, his hair is a fire hazard and I'm afraid for my life around it and an open flame. Second of all, only an unmitigated asswad would write a song like this. I wouldn't try to go home with Andy Grammer if the world were flooded with piss and he lived in a tree. 

Then again, as anyone who's ever had sex knows, it's incongruously its very best when you utterly loathe, detest, and revile the person you're doing it with. So maybe I'd reconsider after a few dozen beers.

1 comment:

  1. Apparently I have been having the wrong kind of sex. Love your writing!


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