Thursday, September 17, 2015

Smart Phone Apps for Urban Alaskan Yuppies

There are lots of applications for Smart Phones out there, but most of them aren't too useful for urban Alaskan yuppies. Well, now all that's changing with a suite of Smart Phone apps designed just for you! Here are ten of the latest and greatest, compatible with both iOS and Android:

Find My Stupid Ass: Lets your friends and family find you when you’re seriously lost, hypothermic, unprepared, and an all around in-way-over-your-head fool who has inadvertently but carelessly placed your life and the lives of others at risk somewhere with no cell service for no justifiable reason at all.

Dry My Boots: An app that sends a signal to your boot drier to turn it on and let you know when your boots are dry.

Clog Quest: Conducts a real-time survey by use of satellite to canvass every store in urban Alaska for the best prices and colors of Dansko clogs available in real time.

Juneau Open Business Checker: An app that automatically checks whether a particular Juneau restaurant, city establishment, or other business is actually open at the hours listed online/in the window and staffed by at least one remotely sober/competent adult who can assist you in procuring something approximating the goods or services advertised.

Moose’s Tooth Wait Updater: Similar to the above app and kind of like those little buzzers they hand you when you wait seven hours for dinner at Moose’s Tooth. But this way you can monitor things from home and just show up when your table is ready. (Moose’s Tooth might seriously actually have this by now for all I know).

Fiddlefy: It’s kind of like Spotify, but only plays bluegrass and folk music, even if you don't like bluegrass and folk music.

Instagame: Takes pictures of an animal you just shot or fish you just caught, and automatically uploads it to social media. Contains dozens of filters to make the entire experience look a lot more badass than it actually was.

AKTranslate: Helps East Coast cheechakos translate words like "skookum," "bluebird," "milk run," and “cheechako." Also has a feature to make sure you know that Venetie and Scammon Bay are actually very far apart.

Bear Runner: Automatically sends you a push notification when there’s a bear in the area and you need to run for your life/play dead. You always forget which. But Bear Runner can remind you!

Standing Ovation Maker: Creates the sound of a standing ovation at any performance of anything, so that you don't actually have to make yourself give into peer pressure and give your own standing ovation if you just so happen to think that standing ovations should be reserved for truly exceptional things and are not necessarily warranted as a matter of course.

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