Saturday, September 5, 2015

"But He Was Always Such a Quiet Boy!"

Continuing on my theme of true crime shows and the idiots who fail to recognize a serial killer in their immediate midst, I would like more coverage of those people who say "but he was always such a quiet boy!" and/or "things like this just don't happen in [insert name of crappy flyover-country-town here].

Because what? No one can ever get murdered in an economically depressed, past-its-prime redneck shithole where the coolest building is a water tower with the town's name on it and the best thing going is a festival called "Toad Daze?" I guess it's because everyone thinks those towns are supposed to be more "John Cougar Mellencamp" and less "John Wayne Gacey." But unfortunately for the residents of such towns, the bible tells us that idle hands do the devil's work. Ever seen Children of the Corn? I would take the South Bronx over that creepy town any day of the week.

The same goes for that saying, "but he was such a quiet boy!" That's what the nice old lady neighbors always say when the cops finally find 45 corpses, limed and rotting under the recently-outed serial killer's floorboards. Haven't you ever heard the corollary expression, "it's always the quiet ones?" You never see a local news channel interview the neighbors and hear them say, "I always knew that guy was a fucking psycho!" Which is what I would like to think I would say in that situation.

Bottom line, if you see a little boy catching squirrels and then chopping them up into itty bitty pieces, I don't want to hear that he was such a quiet boy, even if he was doing that shit in silence inside a Norman Rockwell painting.


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