Dr. Badtouch is the name I gave to Dr. David Newman, an emergency room doctor at the prestigious Mt. Sinai Hospital in NYC who earlier this year was accused of over-sedating one (now it's up to four) mildly injured female patients in order to fondle their breasts for no medically indicated reason, and in one case, "whack off" in a corner and jizz all over the woman's face and upper body.
As far as the double doses of morphine are concerned, Dr. Newman attributed those to "some confusion amongst the nurses." But the best part is how he explained the double dose of jizz on the face of 29 year-old Aja Newman (no relation):
"I am embarrassed because I whacked off in the lounge, and it was possible that the ejaculate may have gone from my hands to the woman’s blanket. Semen may also have transferred from my hand to her face during the time I treated her . . . she may be mistaken about me ejaculating on her face because she was on morphine . . . I can't believe this is happening. My explanation doesn't make sense."You got that right, cowboy! Whacked off in the lounge? May be mistaken? About JIZZ on her FACE?! Holy Tijuana Toothpaste, Batman!
Dr. Newman clearly has a few lessons left to learn, notwithstanding his advanced education: (1) Do not use your medical degree as a vehicle to jizz on the face of a woman you just sedated with IV morphine; (2) Do not explain #1 by admitting you "whacked off" in the lounge of a hospital and then didn't wash semen off your hands before examining a patient; and, most importantly: (3) DO NOT SPEAK TO A DETECTIVE ABOUT #1 AND/OR #2 WITHOUT A LAWYER PRESENT.
I'm glad he did #3 though, or this blog post would not have been nearly as much fun to write.
A close childhood friend of mine who practices medicine in the suburbs of NYC pointed out that Dr. Newman's specious (at best) explanation for how a patient wound up with his jizz in her eyeballs raised the question of how many doctors routinely masturbate at work. He said:
"My basic interaction as a physician always begins with washing my hands. I always believed this had been passed down from Joseph Lister as a means of physicians stopping the spread of disease. Apparently it's all a big ruse to wash the cum off our hands."Perfect.
Now the only one jizzing is the editorial board of the NY Daily News, who is following this tabloid story with all the enthusiasm of a 13 year-old boy who just discovered his older brother's vast collection of Playboys stashed in a closet.
Slow clap, Dr. Badtouch. Slow clap.