Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Dr. Badtouch

On the first day of medical school (or so I'm told), they make you take the Hippocratic Oath, which famously begins with "primum non nocere," or "First, do no harm."

What's less well-known are the second and third lines: "Second, don't dose a patient with morphine, whip your dick out, fondle her titties, and blow your load all over her face while she's unconscious. Third, if you ARE going to do that, definitely make sure you dose her super hard so she doesn't wake up in the middle to a load of man chowder on her eyebrows. Otherwise, she will report your perverted ass to the NYPD and rightly ruin your career. 
(It's a lot harder to say all that in Latin, by the way).

Welp, it appears that at least one prominent doctor at New York City's prestigious Mount Sinai Hospital was doodling some boobs in the margins of his anatomy textbook during that particular lesson, because he totally violated lines 2 and 3 of the Hippocratic Oath. And as you might imagine, he now finds himself in a bit of a sticky situation.

The NY Daily News broke the EXCLUSIVO story that when a 29 year-old woman showed up ("presented" in doctor-speak) at the Mount Sinai ER with a shoulder injury, emergency physician Dr. David Newman, 45, allegedly took the opportunity to mainline some medical-grade heroin into her IV, fondle her tatas, fap in a corner, and whirl around just in time to firehose her sedated face and upper body with a healthy dose of liquid white doctor gold.

I mean . . . WHAAATT?? This guy has nuts for days and he is ballsy AF!

Basically, Dr. Newman allegedly turned a fancy hospital room into a clinical version of Tompkins Square Park. Fortunately, the unwitting victim/recipient of Dr. Newman's baby gravy probably watched CSI and Forensic Files on Netflix, and thus had the foresight to put her gown and blanket--cum n' all--into a plastic bag to preserve for evidence. 

According to the Daily News article, "Newman published a book called 'Hippocrates Shadow: Secrets from the House of Medicine,' in which he lampoons what he sees as a growing disconnect between doctors and their patients."

Well now. 

I clearly need to order this book on Amazon immediately. I absolutely must read the chapter on the "secret" tricks used to sexually assault patients in the "house of medicine" and blast a money shot on their faces, because that is certainly not a well-studied or peer-reviewed therapy. I think this real-life George Clooney is on to something. Because if by "growing disconnect" Dr. Newman is referring to the far too infrequent occurrence of physicians ejaculating on their patients, then yes, there is certainly a "growing disconnect" between physicians and patients in our broken healthcare system, a gap that can only be bridged with a boner and a pair of literally and figuratively enormous cajones.

Personally, I blame Obama.

An intrepid investigative reporter--apparently undeterred by the distinct possibility of being jizzed-upon--went to Newman's New Jersey home and was greeted by a woman who spoke through the door. "Sorry," she said. "Nothing happened." 

If by "nothing" she meant "my husband jacked off atop an unconscious 29 year-old patient" and by "happened," she meant a boat load of spooge, then sure, totally.

Nothing happened. 

Dr. David Newman, 45, is wanted for questioning in the alleged sex assault, sources said Wednesday.

1 comment:

  1. OHM, this posting reminds me of the time I attempted Ada. I was first drawn to the novel because 1) it was supposed to be deeply important and profound and 2)it was supposed to be erotic. However, I spent more time squinting at my unabridged Merriam Webster trying to understand was in the text than I did reading the story. While I love words, I gave up. Fortunately that was not the case here. Thanks for the condensed erudition which is perfect for those with a short attention span.


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