An attentive reader sent me a truly priceless video of two mega-preachers from the "prosperity gospel" movement defending the use of their parishioners' hard-earned dollah billz to buy private jets.
Jets which they need desperately, by the way, so they can fly from city to city as quickly as possible, in order to fleece as many people as possible, so they can buy even more private jets.
It's like one enormous circle of greed with no blackout dates or frequent flier miles.
While these guys and their holy hair product claim they'd have to "stop 90% of what they're doing" if forced to fly commercial, they never really say what "it" is that they're "doing." And frankly, I don't think it's Satan who's whispering in my ear that the "it" that they're "doing" is ripping off little old ladies from coast to coast.
In case you don't have time to watch the video yourself (it's five minutes of your life you'll never get back, but it's worth it), here are some choice justifications that the two preachers--Kenneth Copeland and Jesse Duplantis--offer us for why they simply CANNOT EVEN with the Poors, the Normals, and the "Demons" who fly commercial:
- Jesse tells an anecdote in which he was talking to God on his private jet, and he stood up to pace the aisles during the highly-animated conversation. He couldn't have done that on a commercial airline where they make you SIT and pray, stupidos! That's why they're on the private jet! Because it's a "sanctuary" that lets them move around while talking to God. DUH. For any number of reasons, I think it's a good thing that commercial airlines don't let you stand up in the middle of the aisle and start talking to God, but hey, that's just me and the unholy abomination that is the FAA.
- Kenneth said, "the world is in such a shape, we can't get there without [a private jet]. We have to have this!" They HAVE TO HAVE THIS YOU GUYS. See, they would have to stop "90% of what they're doing, because you can't get there from here." Where is there? And where is here? I think I know. I think "there" is an old lady's checking account and "here" is Kenneth and Jesse's wallet.
- Kenneth said it "agitates the spirit" of famous mega-preachers to have strangers approach them in public asking for prayers. So again: they need a private jet so their "spirits" don't get "agitated" by the people they're robbing and swindling. Because robbing and swindling is SO much more pleasant when the victim doesn't HASSLE you in seat 15F of Delta Flight 678 from Boston to Charlotte.
- This one's my personal fave, just because the image is so vivid. Kenneth says that on a regular airline, "you're in a long tube with a bunch of demons, and it gets to you." I think he might be mixing up an airplane with a four-foot Graffix bong loaded with schwag, but whatevs. Plus, everyone knows that commercial jets are long tubes filled with demons that get to you! Come on, people! Anyone who's ever flown coach on American during the holidays or seen that one episode of The Twilight Zone with the demon outside on the wing of the plane taunting a passenger knows that! You're not telling us anything new here.
- Kenneth cautions that "the devil" is "lying to you" if he's telling you he and Jesse are just "fat cat preachers out there spending all this money." He noted, "we're in the SOUL BUSINESS here. We've got a dying world around us!" Now THIS is a revelation: it's not actually your common sense instincts telling you these are two greedy bastards capitalizing on other peoples' desperation and stupidity--it's really just The Devil putting all those wrong and evil thoughts in your head.
- Jesse nodded in agreement with everything Kenneth said, and then quoted some scripture that supposedly supports this hustle of biblical proportions.
- Then Jesus Said, "Beware! Guard against every kind of Greed. Life is not measured by how much you own. A man's life consisteth not in the abundance of things which he possesseth." Luke 12:15.
- Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. Hebrews 13:5A.
- Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Hebrews 13:5.
- For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils, It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs. Timothy 6:9.
I could go on, but why quoteth the Good Book to these two theological authorities? I can't waiteth until one of them gets caught with a fuckboy side-piece for hire and tries to justify it as God's will. I'm setting up a Google Alerts for that shit, stat.
If greed is a sin, and sinners go to hell, I hope these two are all packed up for a direct flight to God's burn unit, and not just mine.
'Cause that's where they're going.
'Cause that's where they're going.
Kenneth Copeland, left and Jessie Duplantis.