Thursday, January 28, 2016

The Ted Cruz/Nickelback Protest-Troll Deserves a Nobel Peace Prize

There are so many things I love about this story, it's hard to even know where to begin. 

Let's start with the anonymous, self-proclaimed-nonpartisan, 20-something male protester who is INGENIOUSLY trolling Texas Senator and POTUS candidate Ted Cruz by following him around Iowa accusing him of liking the incontrovertibly shitty rock band Nickelback!

As everyone knows, Nickelback is the worst band to emerge from North America since The Monkees, and it hails from Alberta, Canada, the same Canadian province where Ted Cruz was born. 

In a long-ago post entitled "The Nickelback Exorcism," I discussed the uniquely painful phenomenon of getting the Nickelback song "Photograph" stuck in your head, and I made up my own lyrics to it. I will paste just a few bars here for reference:

Listen to this song
I bet you can’t without a giant bong
How did Nickelback get so rich?
Their music makes a deaf man twitch

And this is where I throw up
Chad Kroeger looks like such a schmuck
He’s married to Avril Lavigne
Whose eyeliner is obscene

Every memory of listening to this band
Has me pulling out each hair on my head strand-by-strand
It’s hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.
Every memory of listening to this song
Makes me wanna ship my radio back to Hong Kong
It’s hard to say it, time to say it,
Goodbye, goodbye.

Anyway, Nickelback is so bad, that until today, I thought the verb "Nickelbacking" meant to surreptitiously inject Nickelback into someone's playlist the way you might TP their house on Halloween. Then I decided to check Urban Dictionary, which disclosed this alternative but equally valid definition:
A twisted, vile game in which, upon hearing a Nickelback song on the radio, a person immediately calls a friend, cranks up the volume, and forces them to listen to Nickelback without saying anything else. The answerer of the phone must listen to Nickelback as long as can be tolerated before hanging up. If the caller receives no answer, he must leave a voicemail recording of the entire Nickelback song to thoroughly disappoint the Nickelback'd individual and ruin his day. Retaliations must continue until one of the players surrenders.
I am completely obsessed with this game, and need to play it TODAY! 

But back to Ted Cruz. 

Let's recall that this anthropomorphized boy-Cabbage Patch Doll wants to be President when he grows up. However, his rivals have accused him of being ineligible for office due to the fact that he might be a CANADIAN. And in 'Murica, of course, being Canadian is even worse than being MUSLIM--or worse yet--an ATHEIST. Which Ted understands, because he said last November that "Any president who doesn't begin every day on his knees isn't fit to be commander-in-chief of this country."


I have four words in response to that: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! At the risk of offering TMI, that is exactly what I've always told anyone who wants to date or marry me:  Any man who doesn't begin every day on his knees isn't fit to be my boyfriend or husband. 'Cause I like to start my morning off right--with my O-face. 

So I totes see where T. Crizzle is coming from.

Meanwhile, Nickelback doesn't seem to get that the Iowa troll is insulting both Ted Cruz AND their band, or if they do, they don't care because they're rich. Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger called this protester the "Nickelback Employee of the Month" on Twitter. Which I guess means he supports the protester's activities without totally resenting the fact that his band is the butt of an international joke. Or possibly he does not get the joke. Notwithstanding Chad's terrible highlights job, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume the former.

Either way though, this kid is a fucking genius and he deserves a Nobel Peace Prize for bringing two nations together:  One led by a man Jezebel accurately declared incontrovertibly fuckable, and the other whose fate now lies at the mercy of an evil hybrid of Mr. Burns from The Simpsons and a cantaloupe with veneers.

Apparently not one to rest on his laurels, the Nickelback protester has also been known to dress up like a Canadian Mountie while on his diplomatic missions.

Please, someone alert Scandinavia, because this kid is a serious contender for the Nobel Peace Prize.

Nickelback tweeted this photo of the protester.

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