Sunday, January 3, 2016

If You Assumed These Were Just Regular Chocolate Covered Almonds, You'd Be Sorely Mistaken

Because these are no ordinary almonds covered in chocolate. Not at all. And if you likewise thought these were almonds coated in regular sugar and plain old salt, you would also be grievously in error.

This is not a simple confection for the common, working-class, bulk-foods-buying frayed-at-the-nerves house wife with a Dodge minivan, shitty highlights, and Betty Crocker cupcakes for her kid's birthday at school tomorrow--the kind of low-brow mouth-breather who shops at the Dress Barn and can't even tell French's yellow mustard from 50 Shades of Grey Poupon!

No sir.

These are Kirkland SIGNATURE chocolate-covered almonds, coated in TURBINADO sugar and SEA salt. As in salt FROM THE SEA. Make no mistake about it: The person who made these almonds went to the sea, got some water, boiled the salt out in a process known as desalination, and then put it all over these almonds for those with a discerning palate to enjoy.

Similarly, there is also dusted upon these fine almonds a partially refined light brown crystal cane sugar similar to demerara, but with larger crystals. That's how the Internet differentiates between rarefied TURBINADO sugar and that white, plebian dust found in packets on a sticky diner counter in Anytown, U.S.A. The kind that your grandma would always hiss at you to put in your purse.

Not only that, but the esteemed Mr. Kirkland has given these almonds his SIGNATURE guarantee!

It's been rumored that these are the chocolate covered almonds Jay-Z and Beyonce serve on their yacht and the official chocolate-covered almond of the 88th Academy Awards (TM). 

Only a stone-cold proletariat and a FOOL would eat any other chocolate-covered almond. Now available in two-pound bags at Costco.

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