Wednesday, January 6, 2016

A Letter of Warning to Microsoft Outlook Wizard from Albus Dumbledore

Dear Microsoft Outlook Wizard,

It brings me no pleasure to write you this letter. None at all. But enough is enough. Certainly, it pains me to say what I must: Your continued employment on Hogwarts staff--much less faculty tenure--is in serious jeopardy. Frankly, I've got half a mind to contact the Ministry of Magic. At this time, I am beginning to question how in good conscience you can even call yourself a wizard. 

Your most recent offense came yesterday, as I was in my office preparing to boot up my Pensieve for a busy workday. I followed all of the proper protocols. I shut down, restarted, clicked every box with my wand, and hit “accept” and “next” multiple times. MULTIPLE times. I tried fifteen different passwords, but not even "Voldemort.10"--my default password for everything including my crappy webmail dummy account on Yahoo that I use to place orders with Ollivanders Wand Shop--could get the bloody thing to work. I even tried a Patronus charm. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch!

Ultimately, I was forced to call Hogwarts IT, but of course was put immediately through to voice mail. I believe they wrote me a "ticket," whatever that is, but Fawkes only knows when they’ll get back to me.

And who is responsible for all of this? Why, your sub-standard wizardry, I'm afraid. Indeed, just this morning, I was fifteen minutes late to a panel meeting with Professors Snape and McGonnagall on a new curriculum for Defense Against the Dark Arts thanks in no small part to your Updates spell.

I simply cannot allow this to continue. Consider this your final warning.


Albus Dumbledore
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

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