Wednesday, January 6, 2016

The Oregon Militia is Like a Pack of Kids Who Threw a Tantrum and Ran Away from Home, But Scarier

OMG you guys. This story just keeps getting better and better. 

After the armed 'Murican terries who took over some federal land in Oregon sent an urgent message to their supporters asking for more Funyuns and teriyaki beef jerky, law enforcement confirmed something AMAZING: They are free to leave and drive to the grocery store, only to return and resume their historic act of insurrection!

This reminds me of something I used to do as a kid. I'd pick up our rotary phone in the kitchen and place my hand down on the metal hang-up thing. Then I'd pretend to call Child Welfare Services on my mom and dad. I'd scream into the phone that I was being abused, because my parents weren't letting me do something or other. I know, it's not funny. Except it was, because my parents laughed really hard.

And that's what this horseshit with the dudes in Oregon is like.

Let's leave aside the fact that a herd of cattle would fly in formation before a dozen black men--armed or not--would be allowed to take over a federal building and just chillax there; much less take over a federal building with guns in hand AND BE ALLOWED TO MAKE A FUCKING GROCERY RUN AND COME BACK?! Let's leave all that aside, because though a super sad indictment of our society, it's certainly not funny. 

What IS funny, however, is that these are grown adults with ostensibly serious and valid concerns about how the federal government is treating them, but who are simultaneously acting like the federal government is their mean mommy and daddy who have left them no choice but to run away from home. Like they quite literally stormed off in a huff all dressed up in their cowboy costumes, including real guns. Then they dialed up their friends for supplies and asked them, hey, see if you can get mom and dad (i.e. the U.S. Postal Service) to bring some Cool Ranch Doritos up here to our tree house? 

They even left a bunch of YouTube "here's-why-I'm-running-away-from-home and never coming back!" videos for mom and dad to find.

And then mom and dad were all like, no, it's OK, sweetie. Just leave the tree house for a minute and go run on down to the 7/11 and buy yourself a Slurpee with your allowance (i.e. federal subsidies and loans). You can sleep in the tree house as long as you want and come on home when you're ready. We'll talk about all of this then, promise. 

Also, maybe take the bullets out of your rifles before you shoot someone's eye out, mmm'kaaaaay? 



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