Thursday, February 12, 2015

The Nickelback Exorcism

Simply referencing the song “Photograph” by Nickelback in my last post caused it to become lodged in my head for the foreseeable future. I apologize for transmitting the contagion, but there's no way to exorcise this demon other than to immediately honor it with a parody. Welcome to "Song," based on Nickelback's Top-40 hit, "Photograph."

Listen to this song
I bet you can’t without a giant bong
How did Nickelback get so rich?
Their music makes a deaf man twitch

And this is where I throw up
Chad Kroeger looks like such a schmuck
He’s married to Avril Lavigne
Whose eyeliner is obscene

And this is where I turn it off

This band sounds like it has whooping cough
DJ says he played 'em twice
It’s Twofer Tuesday, oh shit, fuck my life

I wonder if it’s too late
Should I drive off the shoulder of the Interstate?
Life’s worse now than it was before
Nickelback became an oozing ear sore

Oh, oh oh
Oh, god, I

Every memory of listening to this band
Has me pulling out each hair on my head strand-by-strand
It’s hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.
Every memory of listening to this song
Makes me wanna ship my radio back to Hong Kong
It’s hard to say it, time to say it,
Goodbye, goodbye.

Remember that shit band Creed?
Well, Creed's the chronic to this band's schwag weed
I hate Nickelback more than words can say
But I’ll try to find some anyway

I shouldn’t listen to the radio
And sing along with the worst song I know
I hope someday I find out how it feels
To hear a song that doesn’t sound like a harpooned seal


Alex is the first boy I kissed
He shoved his tongue down my throat; I said “dismissed!”
Why do I choose to mention this, then?
'Cause there’s a line here about kissing some girl named Kim

Oh, oh oh
Oh, god, I

Every memory of listening to this band
Has me pulling out each hair on my head strand-by-strand
It’s hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.
Every memory of listening to this song
Makes me wanna ship my radio back to Hong Kong
It’s hard to say it, time to say it,
Goodbye, goodbye.

I miss real music
I miss its notes
You can’t erase
You can’t replace it
I miss it now
I miss it now
I can't believe it
So hard to stay
Too hard to leave it

If I could I relive those days
Before I had Nickelback-based malaise

Every memory of listening to this band
Has me pulling out each hair on my head strand-by-strand
It’s hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.
Every memory of listening to this song
Makes me wanna ship my radio back to Hong Kong
It’s hard to say it, time to say it,
Goodbye, goodbye.

Listen to this song
I bet you can’t without a giant bong
Every time I do it makes me...

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