Or, 50 reasons I don't want to read the book, nor see the film, "Fifty Shades of Grey."
1. Kim Kardashian liked it.
2. Read the first chapter; it was painful.
3. Ball gags and butt plugs.
4. Pun in title/name of main character is always a bad sign.
5. Chains n' whips.
6. Christian Grey seems like a huge douche and I see douches for free every day.
7. Contracts play a prominent role.
8. 31% on Rotten Tomatoes.
9. BDSM scares me.
10. Real life is unpleasant enough.
11. Three words: Twilight fan fiction.
12. I like my mom porn less rough.
13. I don't need new masturbation material; I'm good with what I've got.
14. Would not want to read it in public.
15. Would not want to watch it with another human being.
16. If erotica/BDSM is mainstream, it's jumped the shark.
17. I have enough dysfunctional relationships in real life; I don't need to watch a pretend one unfold.
18. If ten zillion people like something, that generally means it sucks (See also: The DaVinci Code, The Celestine Prophecy, and The Rules).
19. I'm broke.
20. I haven't been to a non-kid movie in the theater in years and this cannot be the one to break the seal.
21. It seems boring.
22. It seems creepy.
23. It seems trite.
24. It seems shitty.
25. It seems troubling on many levels.
26. I am troubled on enough levels all by myself; I don't need outside help with that.
27. It seems misogynistic.
28. The actors' faces piss me off on sight.
29. This juggernaut doesn't need my financial assistance or my attention.
30. It seems ugly.
31. It seems to celebrate materialism and acquisitiveness.
32. My bandwagon dance card is full.
33. Wall Street pretty boys are gross, even if/especially when they live in Seattle.
34. Bondage goes badly with popcorn and soda.
35. Did I mention Kim Kardashian?
36. It is displayed prominently at Hudson News.
37. Slate wrote about it (I'm guessing).
38. If I wanted to check out BDSM, this lite, watered-down version is not the direction I would go.
39. Again: Kim Kardashian said it was "OMG sooooooo good!"
40. I can barely stay awake for a real book that I want to read.
41. Same with a movie.
42. I would be sad and confused if erotica put me to sleep.
43. I don't want to live in a world where something like this is a "thing."
44. It disturbs me that this "thing" was created, promoted, and supported by women.
45. The tie on the book jacket is ugly.
46. I always judge a book by its cover.
47. And a movie by its trailer.
48. The whole thing seems distinctly and disturbingly domestic violence-y.
49. If you type "50" into Google, "50 Shades of Grey" is now literally the second thing that comes up.
50. I am literally using the word "literally" literally in #49, and that is just wrong.