Monday, February 2, 2015

Making Lululemonade Out of Lululemons

Every time I worry that I'm fresh out of topics for this blog, all I have to do is go online for ten seconds. I'm almost never disappointed, and the website that most reliably delivers the goods is (See prior post titled, "Why I Hate Slate").

Today in business, Slate reports that Chip Wilson, the soggy little douche-biscuit who said out loud that Lululemon yoga pants were not for fatties, has resigned from the Lululemon board:

Actually, let me clarify that. What Wilson "technically" said was that the pants "just don't actually work for some bodies," because their very delicate and sensitive fabric cannot withstand the horrible chafing of enormous thighs above a size 12, which is why these pants are unavailable in any size beyond that.

Readers may recall that Lululemon yoga pants were all the rage for about ten seconds, along with (and right about the same time and in the same market demographic) as Flip video recorders. Indeed, at a certain point after 2010, (or so my reconnaissance trips to Real America have led me to believe), you could not be a self-respecting First World Mother without Lululmeon yoga pants, Ugg boots, a Patagonia vest, a high pony tail, a Maclaren stroller, and a Flip video recorder to document your own awesomeness and that of your little miracle of life (who again was one of the 300,000 little miracles that occurred on earth on the particular day s/he was born). 

But Lululemon suffered a tragic setback when its wearers discovered that their asses were transparently visible in the pants, including, presumably, in all of the teensie tiny eeny weenie little itty bitty sizes in which the company deigned to make them.

Now. [Smug sneer]: Let me take this opportunity to point out that I am not PERSONALLY offended by Mr. Wilson's comments. That is because I PERSONALLY do not wear a size 12 or beyond. 

Wait what? Did she just say that? Is it true? Or is it not? 

Well. Let me avoid the true answer to that question by noting that if I were a female Huffpost Blogger, I would  make sure I was VERY CLEAR that I PERSONALLY AM NOT A SIZE 12 (WHICH SOCIETY SHOULD NOT CONSIDER FAT BUT THAT I SECRETLY DO), HOWEVER I TOTALLY SYMPATHIZE with all the poor, repressed, and persecuted fatties that I PERSONALLY am not. (See prior O.H.M. post titled, Finger on the Pulse). 

See what I just did there? My refusal to actually do this is why the Huffpost will never accept a blog pitch from One Hot Mess. Really, our gender needs its own tagline: Womankind: Complaining About Misogyny But Doing the Job for Itself, One Blog Post at a Time.

Anyway, back to the pants.

Ever since Wilson quit telling it like it is in public about women's asses and yoga pants, Lululemon stock has been in recovery mode. I am so relieved. Because frankly, unless you look like this ...

You don't deserve to wear yoga pants anyway. Especially not in public! And CERTAINLY not yoga pants made from the precious, rare, and chafe-sensitive fabric of Lululemon! What's that you say? They look like regular black pants? Just put that aside for a minute, because they are NOT. These pants are VERY special and you NEED to have them. Gwenyth Paltrow said so! If you can buy and wear these pants, it means you are thin, rich, and all-around awesome. Gwenyth said that too. Go buy some now! America wants you to. It needs you to. Do your patriotic duty and support Lululemon.

1 comment:

  1. My size -2 aunt gave me a $50 Lululemon gift card for xmas. I immediately went to the first sketchy website I could find to make a trade and it was totally worth the $10 loss of imaginary gift card dollars to turn Lululemon's into Amazon bucks. At least they ship for free.


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