Thursday, February 12, 2015

2 Legit 2 Quit

Ironically, the originator of this famous bon mot, Stanley Kirk Burrell (a.k.a. “M.C. Hammer” or later, simply “Hammer”) pretty much quit when he took all the gold doubloons he made in the 90’s, melted them into a Chapter 11 bankruptcy filing, and was forced to do commercials for Lending Tree and send the IRS a bunch of receipts for his collection of sports cars.

But that does not mean Hammer’s legacy is not legit. It is! I mean, this phrase itself is 100% LEGIT. And it got me thinking, what else is legit, and what should just up and quit? That, my friends, is the subject of this morning’s blog post, so let’s get on with it already. 

Here are five categories of things that are 2 legit 2 quit, and their counterparts, which just need to quit.

1. PRECIPITATION

2 Legit 2 Quit: Snow. This is a very legit form of precipitation, currently on the endangered forms of precipitation list thanks to a zillion and one SUV factories in China. It's pretty to look at and fun to play in, and it reminds you that Mother Nature can be a cast iron bitch whenever she feels like it.

Just Quit: Snain. I mean, what the fuck is this? Make up your mind. Are you rain, or are you snow? Snain serves no purpose other than to make it impossible to drive and walk around without fear of cracking your skull open at any moment. I simply cannot with snain. Unfortunately, snain is also the dominant form of precipitation in Juneau.

2. CURRENCY

2 Legit 2 Quit: The Euro. Now, I'm no Paul Krugman, and I know zero about finance. But I know enough to know that the Euro is where it's at, simply because it's worth more than the U.S. Dollar. And I know enough to know that this means that all other forms of currency, including the dollar, are likely going the way of the Krona, the Ruppee, the Peso, and the Dong. Although, I still have some dongs left over from my trip to Vietnam. I kept them so I could look at them and keep saying "dong" over and over again and laugh out loud to myself like I was a twelve-year old boy.

Just Quit: All other forms of currency for the reasons stated above.

3. POPULAR, DERIVATIVE BANDS

2 Legit 2 Quit: Coldplay. This pack of maudlin, juice-cleansing British crooners helmed by Gwyneth Paltrow's consciously-uncoupled ex-husband Chris Martin sounds exactly like Radiohead, only worse. Still, you can't stop listening to their songs, and you secretly really like them, and Coldplay is therefore 2 legit 2 quit.

Just Quit: Nickelback. Nickelback is literally the most distasteful thing to come out of Canada since poutine. And just like poutine, some people love it, but most people want to puke the second they experience it. So it is with Nickelback. Their vicious, parasitic ear-worms like "Photograph" stick in your host-brain with soulfully-wailed lyrics a trained chimpanzee on quaaludes could have composed, e.g., "Look at this photograph, every time I do it makes me laugh." Even just typing that put the line in my head for the rest of the day. Really, Nickelback? "Listen to this song, your royalties should be in Vietnamese dong."

4. MAIL SERVICE

2 Legit 2 Quit: The Internet. No one needs paper anymore, and also: THINK OF THE TREES!

Just Quit: The U.S. Postal Service. This vaunted institution had its heyday, and now it's time for it to quit. The USPS was legit for a long, long time, and was generally pretty bad-ass, per its motto: "Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds."  However, note that this motto is silent on snain, which at least in Juneau, has frequently been known to stay the couriers of the USPS from the swift completion of their appointed rounds. Even so, as far as I'm concerned, the only reason for the USPS not to quit is so that the (inconsistently amiable) people who work there can keep their jobs.

5. HAIRY WOMEN LAWYERS

2 Legit 2 Quit: Amal Alamuddin Clooney, for all the reasons stated in my prior post titled, "If Only I Were Sufficiently Well-Adjusted to Withstand the Force of Awesomeness that is Amal Alamuddin Clooney."

Just Quit: Me. As I have stated previously, the most illustrious alum of my law school is Geraldo Rivera, whereas Amal attended Oxford. Also, as I write this, I am wearing the same pair of $28 black pants from The Gap that I bought on clearance and that I wore yesterday, while procrastinating the placement of plastic, colored stickie tabs in my court rules book. Amal, on the other hand, is at this same moment preparing to take on the British Army in an Irish torture case while wearing a tailored suit from Ede & Ravenscroft. And I guarantee you that her waxing protocol is fully 2 legit 2 quit. Not one unwelcome hair shall reveal itself anywhere on her body, at anytime. I am sure of it!


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