Thursday, February 5, 2015

Celebrity Tweet Critiques

The post I did yesterday about why I stay in Alaska was not well-received by at least one good New York friend, who continues to insist that she will visit only to help me pack up my house and return to New York "where I belong." 

This friend has mixed credibility, however, because she introduced me to both the Hitachi Magic Wand (good recommendation) and the $300 Isagenix "system" of "health shakes" that almost made me shit my pants and did in fact make me vomit after "eating" two of the "amazing" shakes (bad recommendation). (See prior post titled: "Why Do I Do These Things to Myself?").

But I must give credit where credit is due, and also repent for traumatizing her by confessing that I'm never living in New York again of my own volition. That's why I'm sharing this Pulitzer-Prize worthy piece of reporting she sent me from none other than the esteemed HuffPost regarding Kim Kardashian's private screening of Fifty Shades of Grey.



This got me thinking about other celebrities, and the various things they might review and critique that the HuffPost would want to report on. I'm pretty sure they would look something like this:

@JimCarrey: Just made another stupid and hideous mug for a camera! OMG I am soooooo funny! #myexwifeisafuckinglunaticplayboyplaymatewhothinkssheworksforthecdc #Worst.Actor.Ever.

@AdamSandler: Why did it take an act of terrorism for Sony to admit out how hard I suck? OMG my movies are sooooooooooooooo bad!!!! #shampooisbetter #conditionerisbetter #robschneiderisevenworsethanjimcarreyandworsethaneiethershampooorconditioner

@GwynethPaltrow: OMG I am eating Dominoes cheesy bread right now and it is sooooooooooooooo delicious! #betterthanajuicecleanse #processedpizzacleanse #newcookbook #imtwinswithabroomstick

@MelGibson: OMG I just punched my ex-girlfriend in the face in the foyer of The Holocaust Museum and it was sooooooooooo embarrassing! #iamscum #andalsoverycrazy #nothinggoodsincelethalweapon

@TomCruise: Just filed a new gazillion dollar lawsuit against the producers of that anti-Scientology movie. OMG we are gonna make soooooooooooooo much money! #jumpingonacouch #brandnewliftsinmyshoes

@AdamLevine: OMG @peoplemagazine just named me sexiest man alive! Too bad my music is still sooooooooooooooo shitty! #uberdouche #withasignaturefragrance

@GeraldoRivera: OMG my salt and pepper handlebar moustache is soooooooooooo awesome! I can't believe I still manage to get myself on TV! #thisguyisliterallythemostfamousalumnusofmylawschool #holyshitthatisembarrassing

@DuchessKate: Put on another skirt suit and wedges, cut some more ribbons, and blinded someone with my teeth. OMG this job is soooooooooooo boring #ineedout #cantbelieveisignedupforthis #livingmannequin





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